How falling in love with a narcissist has changed me forever.

Breaking up with a histrionic or narcissist? Be prepared for the battle of your life! While you are an emotional basket case, he is as Cold as Ice! While you are left holding down the fort and dealing with the real-life responsibilities, he walks away from everything leaving you to mop off his stage and pay his bills. He will punish you in ways you couldn’t possibly have ever imagined… …. and not even acknowledge it to himself! Why? Because he’s off charming the socks off of new women as if your years together didn’t even exist! And to him they didn’t! The narcissist has a ‘counterfeit heart’!

Narcissists tend to make very good first impressions on others. They are excellent actors and can fool almost anybody, even trained individuals. However, they have counterfeit hearts. Underneath their brilliant exterior lies a man that is self-centered and self-focused, dishonest, irresponsible, disloyal, and lacking emotions, remorse, and a conscience. These men live with a false sense of grandiosity and specialness and are easily found to be arrogant and deceitful. Underneath their fake exterior is an empty fraud who seemingly is lacking a human soul.

“Women know how to fake orgasm. Men know how to fake an entire relationship.” ~ Sharon Stone

Of course, you will never see this in the beginning of the relationship with a narcissistic man. Many women do not see any of these awful qualities until the relationship gets serious because both the narcissist and his prey tend to idolize people in the beginning of relationships.

And being idolized feels good – so good that we often willingly overlook the red flags.

Unfortunately, the narcissist is sociopathic in that they often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others (did you notice that [according to him] ALL his ‘exes’ were ‘psycho bitches’? THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAJOR RED FLAGS WAVING IN YOUR FACE FROM EVERYWHERE ON THAT ONE – BUT IT PROBABLY DIDN’T REALLY HIT YOU UNTIL ‘YOUR’ RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WAS OVER!!). (More on this later…)

See, narcissistic men haven’t the ability to see their own negative actions or the detrimental roles they play in their relationships with others. The narcissist is a deceptive man and the most common form of his deception is his own self-deception. He truly believes he is perfectly innocent of having committed any wrongdoing – ever.

He holds himself completely blameless for any part in the breakdown of your relationship (or ANY of his past relationships). Don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology from this man, or even an admittance on his part of being partially to blame – for anything. He believes he has done nothing wrong, as he is just so wonderful! (At least, in his own mind.)

The narcissist doesn’t care about your problems or your feelings. He has absolutely no regard or respect for anyone’s feelings; he is completely without empathy and is never above taking advantage of others for his own personal gain. He is constantly hungry for praise and he will go on a feeding frenzy for the adoration and admiration he desperately seeks with every individual he comes in contact with. He is a legend in his own mind, and deeply living in a fantasy world built on his own imagined self-importance.

“The narcissist can neither give nor receive love. He cannot empathize with the pain and suffering of others. Although he is often incredibly charming and draws many people into his ‘enchanted circle’, the narcissist is incapable of true intimacy. At the core of his life experience, the narcissist has emotionally and often financially harmed so many. He has treated others with cruelty, ruthlessness and indifference too many times. Ultimately, in the depth of his unconscious, he knows he is an empty fraud” ~Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.

Nothing can be more painful than breaking up with a histrionic narcissistic man. He will not take it kindly – not because he will grieve the loss of you (you mean nothingto this man) but simply because you will have embarrassed him. And damaging his ego is a totally unforgivable sin to the narcissist! I’m afraid you’re about to become his next victim, so be aware of his soon-to-come character assassin of you, your family, your friends, and even your children. (Narcissistic men [they all hold an actor’s award] will say just about anything about another in order to protect their perfect ‘image’.)

Whether or not this has happened to you, it is still a very painful realization when you come to discover that you meant absolutely nothing to someone you loved very much. The realization that this man never loved you(don’t delude yourself) hurts beyond compare. It is hard to understand that a histrionic narcissist loves only himself, and, if anything, considered you more a ‘love-rival’ than a ‘lover’.

He was with you for the ‘benefits’. His benefits could have been something as simple as getting his needy ego stroked, or being taken care of financially, or maybe it was something more, like status or opportunity – but whatever his benefits, being loved by you or being in an intimate relationship with you was not one of them. What I mean to say is ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ are not considered benefits to him!

You will find that you have changed during the course of the relationship with a narcissist. You will walk away completely far removed from the beautiful woman you were when you entered it. You may have gone from soft, sweet and feminine to hardened and bitter. From trusting, open and receptive to suspicious and untrusting. From self-assured and confident to being full of self-doubt and insecurities. It will take some hard work on your part to let this damaged part of you go and find your old self again.


For most of us breaking up with a narcissist can leave us feeling confused, devastated, and untrusting of all men in the future.

Usually, when a relationship ends both parties grieve some, both parties have regrets and both parties have done things that they feel remorseful for.

But not a narcissist! He walks away from you with a cold, callous disregard. He feels nothing.

A narcissist will avoid looking at you – even if you are sitting right in front of him. This is his way of ‘dismissing’ and ‘devaluing’ you. All narcissists do this and, of course, there is nothing about these actions that are normal, but your mind can’t conceive this and so it tries to understand. However, there is no making sense of the ‘senseless’.

A narcissist can turn from loving you to discarding you almost abruptly as it took for him to ‘idolize’ you after his first meeting you. Uh, what was that? About one date would you say?

“Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The narcissist idealizes and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealization. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue. This is THE core of pathological narcissism. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the “silent treatment”), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse. ” ~ by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

The narcissist has to be NUMBER ONE, the CENTER OF ATTENTION, THE BIG CHEESE, the MAIN ATTRACTION. If he is in a situation where he fears not getting the adulation that he feels he deserves, such as with your friends or co-workers, or even in a club that you frequent (translation: your territory), he will be extremely uncomfortable, either claiming a headache, feeling ‘bad vibes’ in the place, or simply getting angry. He may insult or dismiss everyone there as ‘substandard human beings’. A narcissist cannot share his limelight with anyone, not even his spouse.

It is especially hard to let go of a relationship breakdown when you can’t find any rhyme or reason to the way it all unfolded. We think that all people are good people and can’t understand how someone could so easily just dismiss us as if we never existed.

Truth is, you didn’t exist to the narcissist. He is so totally and completely self-centered to the point of his being the only person in his life – ever. You simply were a temporary ego-boost. A narcissist supplier (an enforcer and validation of his self-love). His mirror.

You were taken in by his phony charm simply because you trusted men. And now you are left with doubts, insecurities, questions, and extreme hurt that one you cared for could so easily ‘dismiss you’ and then walk away completely unmoved and untouched by the experience.

You want him to hurt, too. To show sorrow. To feel remorse.

So that you can feel important again. Like you mattered.

But you didn’t. And it has nothing to do with you. He simply is unable to care for anyone other than himself, no matter whom they are. And deep inside you know that you have just wasted years of your life on someone who is an empty fraud. It’s like you imagined everything; nothing was real. He was a masterful actor when he was getting his ego fed; but now that he is not getting his narcissistic supply from you anymore he simply – and completely – has totally erased you from his life. It is important to remember that narcissists are ‘plotters’ and he has been plotting the destruction of the relationship since the very first moment his charming, but fake persona met you.

Expect your world to fall apart whereas his world will remain unscathed – as will his emotions. OOPS, pardon me, I made a mistake! Make that “his ‘lack of’ emotions”. Narcissistic men haven’t any empathy for others, and will never take any direct responsibility for any pain they may have caused. They will never acknowledge their wrongdoings, or apologize to you, because they truly believe themselves to be perfect. They project all their faults and flaws onto you, accusing you of the very things that they, themselves, are guilty of.

In fact, throughout your entire relationship, you probably were lead to believe that you were the problem when in actuality it was their narcissism that was at fault. You have subconsciously learned to take his attacks personally, because he is so very good at manipulating the people around him.

Narcissistic and histrionic men play on the fact that most of us are trustingand forgiving, and that we want to believe in them.

Narcissists are all about their image, and they spend an inordinate amount of time perfecting their false front, or their ‘image’. He’s forever aware of his impression on people, and he knows exactly what ‘face’ to put on to draw people into his ‘magical circle’ of followers – all with the intent to enhance his own self-exaltation.

Whatever his career, special talent, or gift may be he will spend days, weeks, months, YEARS perfecting it. If he is a lawyer there is no winning a legal argument against him. If he is a musician he will practice the same tune over and over again, each time trying to make it even more perfect than the time before. If he is a doctor he will try to out-diagnose all his colleagues. If he is a salesman, he will read every book on the market on the art of sales. Perfecting his persona for the sole purpose of gaining admiration is the only thing he holds important, and the only reward he needs.

He is an expert at even fooling himself into thinking he is larger than life and, unfortunately, the more positive the feedback he receives, the more trapped in his mirror he becomes. He would rather have adoration from complete strangers than a deep meaningful relationship with a loving partner. His image is superficial and covers up his complete lack of inner awareness. He is, quite simply, an expert fake, forever on the search for a true acceptance, but never daring enough to show his ‘real self’ for fear of not receiving it.

The sad thing is, because he feels he is loved for his fake front, he never truly feels loved for his real self, and this just further enables and encourages his narcissism.

The narcissistic mate displays many typical psychopathic characteristics. He may have falsely displayed deep emotion toward you (when he was in your good graces). In reality, he was less concerned with you than with making himself look good. In the romance department, a narcissist or a histrionic man has an uncanny ability to gain your trust and affection quickly, disarming you with his charm (i.e., “What a beautiful necklace; you have such excellent taste in jewelry“) and captivating you with his many grandiose plans (i.e., “I want to start a business with you that is something we can build together“). If he cheats on you you’ll probably find forgiveness for him – maybe even blame yourself for his infidelities – but one day when you’ve had enough, he’ll leave you with nothing but the breath-taking epiphany that your whole life with him has been a lie. He’ll also, most likely, leave you with an empty pocketbook, too. Of course, by this time he’ll already have a new ‘sucker’ under his wing, and could care less what he has done to you.

Yes, living with, loving and leaving a narcissistic man is an experience unlike any other! You are left deeply confused and weakened by the abuse.

***“My narcissist was mad at me every single day. In fact, I can’t remember even one day that he wasn’t angry, grudgeful, judgmental, and insulting.”

He wants you to pay for his inner pain, and he will do everything in his power to punish you and push you over the brink. Your mind can’t rationalize that these men are not ‘normal’, and so it tries to make sense of their behavior.

Yet, the narcissistic ex continually acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his ‘false persona’ will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him. He is completely lacking in empathy, and – since he is not receiving any admiration from you anymore – he will dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he use to put up in order to keep you in the relationship.

In the end I was left feeling like a shell of a person. To think this was someone whom I lived with for 2 years and loved deeply. I will forever be changed by this experience. If he could get over on me with my New York City street sense and smarts then he could get over on anyone.  He met me when I was on top of the world. By the time he was done I had lost almost everything and everyone I loved. that was when he looked me in the face and said I do not love you anymore…. And days later was on to stalking the next girl.  This is the true facts of what I lived through and I felt compelled to share this experience to warn others. The best thing that ever happened to me was the day that sociopath left.

The day I started working on me! And forgetting about him and the mess he left for me to clean up. I decided it was time to invest in me.  I developed my own fix my self course.

I took some online courses on Meditation and Self Love which were great and cheap.

I just started doing little things everyday that made me feel good even if it was has simple has a face mask. If it made me feel good I did it and slowly it started working.

Self  love and heal yourself  back to you!

http://<a href=”″><IMG border=”0″ alt=”O+ Stick – Oxygen Plus” src=”″>









Published by


Having been a huge fan of Sex and the City and also being from New York City I decide to start a blog after I became single. I am getting over a broken heart. What I write may not always be nice there is still some pain, but It will be the truth of my experiance some of what I went through and some of what I have learned. In the end I would love to help even one person move on quickly from heartbreak and never have to go through the hurt and the pain that I allowed myself to let linger. I moved to South Beach for my present Job and to start over. My blogs will be related to love and relationships in one way or another because like Carrie I am still searching for my Mr.Big. “Maybe its time I be clear about who I am. I am someone looking for love…” - Carrie Bradshaw, 2004, Sex & the City Series Finale Welcome to SexandMiami.

147 thoughts on “How falling in love with a narcissist has changed me forever.”

  1. really spot on!! i dont know how to get rid off my ex narcissistic boyfriend, after he discarded me 2 years ago, now he is back to destroy me.. even i do practice NC, he will somehow make a way and manipulate the law to have access in my life.. i hope he will leave me alone for good very soon..

  2. Oh my goodness, this was like reading something I’d written myself many times before . Trying make sense of it all on paper . Except I was foolish enough to marry him and have children. I was fooled for many years and one day when he came home from a trip out of town poof . It was like a light switch had been turned off and everything had went dark . So dark . He has ruined my life , my reputation and I’m still struggling to pick up the pieces. I know that I will succeed and I continue to grow stronger daily . This has been the hardest thing to overcome in my life and I will never fully recover . Thank you so much for sharing .

  3. It is really good written.I am divorcing the same psychopath after 5 years knowing and 1,5 year of marriage. The same scheme of doing with me.Thanks for the text

  4. I think I married the man you dated! Your story was absolutely riveting and helped me. I appreciate it, I’m sorry for what you went through and I’m sorry for what I’m going through, but we shall persevere!

  5. Thank you! I am on the same path! Left like a trash. Not meaningful at all. On one day loved and “her everything “, on the next, left with “I’m taken! 😂 bye!”. Empy shell indeed. But I am on my way to heal. And against all odds that she pushed me through, I will remain kind, loving, polite and I will love again! I’ll die one day, but while looking back I will see things that I’ve built up with love. She’ll get old. Won’t be so charming, beautiful and smart. We all will be aging. It’s a graceful way of life. But for her, behind to watch will be only distraction and wounded souls that would rather remain lonely than give her a hand to help. Instant karma?! Maybe. I don’t wish her bad. I feel sorry for her wounds. But it’s how it’s gonna end up.

  6. I love your article. You said it so well. The only 3 loves I had in my life where with Narcissistic Addicts. Double whammy’s. Personality disorder along with addiction. My first was 14 yrs. 2 children. I divorced him after catching him having a 9 month affair. He still puts me through hell cause I have to co-exist with him to raise our sons. Ugh. I’ve had 2 boyfriends since that were psychopath’s. I left one, the other discarded me. The 3rd one was awful. Just awful. 11 months. We planned on living together. He was remodeling his basement for my children. He went to my father and my brother for their blessing. He told me over and over how he loved me. He said he wanted to marry me. He infiltrated my life and then dumped me violently and threw me and my dog out of his house 2 hours after going over details in the basement and what my kids would like for their rooms. And he said everything was my fault. All the things he loved about me who threw in my face in the end. The discard was horrible. And now I have to check myself and my choices and regain my self worth. Even though I know it’s not my fault, I’m wounded and hurt. This is a very short version of my experience’s. So much crazy. But my goal is to never let it happen again.

  7. This was him to a T!!!! The worst part is what he did to his son whom I helped raise and adored and damage and fear my own son had! It is sick that individuals such as this cause so much utter destruction and walk into the sunset a week later with another with another not caring what their sick behavior left two boys and myself with!

  8. Wow, it scares me that EVERYTHING you wrote is cRaZy dead on! I recently, VERY recently crawled my way out of a 12 year relationship with a man that sounds EXACTLY as your article tells it. I NEVER saw it coming and for the most part, the first 5 years seemed happy, it was at the 6ish year mark that things changed. It was when he DIDN’T & COULDN’T change life because it had already happened. You see, at this point WE already had 2 beautiful children together, and we had talked about having another… one day he came home and said “I think we should wait for another kid. I don’t want another one, not now anyway” but it was too late. That very SAME day, I had found out that I was PREGNANT! I was so EXCITED to SURPRISE HIM with the news… unfortunately THAT back fired on me. He MADE SURE throughout the WHOLE pregnancy, to NOT let me forget that THIS was a kid he DIDN’T want! It was THE loneliest time of my life.
    Fast forward 6 years, 3 kiddos who are growing up, and nothing during that 6 years EVER went back to FEELING the way things had. It even got to the point of physical abuse, of which he took NO responsibility for. They were my fault! Yeah, because I’m sure I’d wish 2 traumatic brain injuries on myself, duhhh. Oh he apologized…”I’m sorry I hurt you BUT YOU SHOULDN’T have done” this or that, whatever infraction I did to deserve his treatment. THAT’S NOT an apology, it’s a cop out! It’s a pass the buck onto someone else.
    You’re so right, moving on and healing from this, well to me, still feels IMPOSSIBLE. One day I’m all on top of the world, I can do this and the next I’m HOPING somehow we can go BACK to the way it was before and get back together. WHAT! But YES, THAT’S the truth. THAT’S how much chaos they bring to your life. I STILL feel like I CAN’T live WITHOUT him on most days. I cry myself to sleep, looking at pictures of us, of him and just wonder if there’s a way, ANY WAY we can work things out and be together. It’s SO exhausting and draining. Some days all I can do is go through the motions of life, and some days I wish my life were over if we can’t be together AND then there’s the very FEW days when I SEE WHAT I left behind and I look to the future, but FILLED with terror and fear of NEVER being good enough to make it, to raise the kiddos, NEVER being good enough for someone else, because I have been trained well, trained to be his “shadow” and trained to understand and believe that HE is the BEST person whip looked out only for MY best interests and no one, NO ONE, will EVER want ME.
    There’s SO MUCH more than just even this tid bit of hell,but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being so candid and honest. And putting YOUR relationship experience out there.

  9. Please stop using “he him his” as if being a narcissist is something exclusive to only men. There are just as many women who are narcissist as there are men.

  10. To all enflicted; God made you. God made you and staked His Holy claim on you and made you valuable. (None of us are perfect it to each on their own to strive for better each decision that we make). With love and respect, HERE IS YOUR SIGN: Pick yourself up (ask God for help if you dont have it within) and reclaim your blessed gifts and talents (no matter if its the ability to run a company or hold a door) and belive in you again. Life is precious, breath was never promised. Love to all and pray for your enemy that he or she may be convicted and recoonciled by Our Creator that they are healed as we wish to be and that others are spared from unnecessary pain. Peace be unto you.

  11. You can change the “he” to a “she”, it’s a painful emotional ride for sure. I looked on a dating site for 10 minutes and then signed off. I don’t have that wonderful spirit I once had.

  12. Please, never ever delete this, I will need to read it often. It is exactly what has happened to me. He had met a person full of joy, feeling good, motivated, I was without complexes, light with myself and who I was…I was a trusting and loving person, I have become suspicious, full of fears, I fear men….I fear life, I fear my future….I have thought of killing myself almost daily for three years, three years of lies, betrayals, deceptions….today I am the shadow of myself, I can’t imagine I will love again.

    He has worked hard destroying me to the core for 3 years.
    Thank you for your post, it makes me less crazy, I feel understood, and I don’t feel alone any more, I clearly see I am not the bad one.

    I am glad I have a wonderful loving daughter who shows me better about life, who kept me sane when I wanted to give up.

    1. Celine,
      Thank you for reading…
      Remember you are not crazy and you are not alone . So many of us have been through it . Remember what you have learned and use it as you find new love in your life.

  13. Your so brave and strong. I been in this relationship for 12 Years and we have a 4 year old daughter. I feel weak and used and don’t feel like living anymore. It hurts so bad and the worst part is I still go back. I know I don’t want my daughter to think it’s normal to be treated this way. I’m a mess.

    1. Bianca please find the strength to move on and give yourself and your daughter the love ❤️ you both deserve in life . Life is much too short to be unhappy even for one-day. . Believe you deserve it!

      1. Thank you for believing that I can do it for my daughter. It’s so hard and I just got really sick and got into physical abuse with him. After I made him a nice dinner for his birthday and went above and beyond for him. I’m trying to stay away. I pray for strength to not got back and not care anymore I want these feelings to be erased.

  14. My experience exactly! It’s been 7 years since I got the “I’m sorry but I don’t love you anymore” after 20 years of marriage and I am just now starting to resemble the person I once was. Evil does exist. Thank you for this article!

  15. Women can fake orgasims..BUT men can fake hole entire relationships!WOW..NOW..theres a saying my ex narc said often to me..&..I always NEW he was saying so much more, when he said this comment..&reading it just given me another epiphany! So glad I’m a certain extent! If only the new women,he got with 4mnths later new..I gess she will.. when he starts beating her! 😕

  16. So spot on as I could have written this blog! I married a man w NPD. Although he’s not clinically diagnosed .. it’s the only thing that makes sense.
    I’ve finally come to this realization 4 years into the marriage.
    He walked out 5 weeks ago and true to form left me with all the bills, and totally devastated.
    I’m working hard to find myself again. Many days, admittedly, I’m struggling with finding motivation.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. Here’s to peace for everyone who reads this.

  17. You are 100% correct. I too did the same for 2 years, and I am from New Jersey, and NEVER thought someone could bamboozle me or that I would forgive the worst lying, cheating etc. I went NC for one year , and this weekend Irma was coming and (I know he should have been blocked, but we haven’t contacted for a year) I get a text you should not be alone, this storm is bad, come to my moms. Hmmm, I really thought wow, he cares. I went but guess what, he knew he would be stuck at his mom’s (and not able to go to his “bachelor” pad) for maybe a week and couldn’t et to his supply. What was I thinking, I thought he didn’t drink at his moms, but he was drinking and tried to come on to me and I didn’t even give an inch. He knew I was not here to be is “toy”. I knew nothing changed by the am and was on the road back to my home driving in the worst weather conditions. He could care less. In fact I think he did get in touch with one of his local supply cause he was texting in front of me which he knew would trigger me to leave. This has been his ammo with me from day one. Was it a set back, a little but NO they don’t change and DON”T care. I let him know his acting sucks. Disgusting at 55 years old.


  18. So true, unfortunately I think most of us who were ‘got’only get to define the terrible existence after. 30yrs ago even if such material was available it wouldn’t have been the kind I wanted to read on whilst I was in my rosy coloured glasses of new love.

    I can’t even think how such information can be put out there. I got to know his personality type from my daughter who studied psychology at university, you can see how long I suffered in ignorance.

    My thought’s
    ‘Being MaryJane’

  19. This article gives much insight to the experience I had with a previous lover. He was the man I had always been looking for, showing me with all the attention, affection, and love bombing me with everything a woman wants to hear for the first six months. Then everything changed but I had already fallen in love. Spent close to five years in the most emotional roller coaster relationship of my life. Being in my mid 40’s, I would have thought I should have picked up on all the red flags, but I totally missed it. Relationship ended the worst imaginable way, he pursued a lawsuit against me and harassed my elderly parent who he didn’t even know to try to get in touch with me. Absolute nightmare. This all happened over a year ago and I’m still working on healing and have learned to trust no one. He destroyed my life in so many ways, yet his life has seemingly improved and he seems untouched by the hell he put me through. 99% of the people who he knows, and he has a huge social network, would never guess who he truly is. If I could just go back in time and never have met him, life would much better.

  20. You have just written the last 26 years of my life! The first 10 years of our marriage was good then, almost like someone flipped a switch he changed. By this time we had started a business together. I thought it was just him going through stress or a mid life crisis. Now he has a mistress and thinks because I gave up my financial independence to work along side of him that he owns me and treats me like an employee or servant. At 62 years old I am starting over and it sucks! I wish I knew about this a long time ago. I can promise you I would have made different choices!

  21. You practically sum up my current experience..How did you get through it? I have no words to describe my pain, I’m even enrolled in therapy so try to understand and soothe my pain … How could someone be so cold and cruel? I wonder why god put me in his path…? I am even suffering from PTSD w/ constant thinking and nightmaires…Any suggestions will help!

    Thank you and I am sorry that you went through the same thing I’m going through

    1. Dear Kim,

      Im sorry you had to go through it as well. It will make you stronger then ever before .
      The best therapy is time. It just takes time to get over what you went through. Everyday you get stronger and more confident .
      Working out really helped me a lot . I just let it all out at the gym.

      I wish you peace and love.
      Thank you for reading !

    2. I too went to therapy to help me make sense of what had happened to me, but found no relief. I finally went to a local abuse shelter and talked to a counselor there…I had afterl, been abused.
      Best and hardest thing I did in my healing journey. She easily recognized that I was the victim of narcissistic abuse and told me that the sooner I came to terms with the fact that he didn’t care, was never going to care, and that he never did care the sooner I could start healing. She also explained that no one would likely understand the extent of the damage I had to work through or appreciate the time it would take. Hardest but best things for me to hear.

  22. I am stunned by how every word of this has been my life for over 30 years, right down to only one date. He bad his hooks in. He momolestedof my daughters, and acts like it never happened, when I left him, it was pure hell. He even committed adultery and still won’t admit it. Ice wasted my whole life. He’s destroyed everything, even my soul,and my will to kuce, . Thanks so much fir sharing this.

  23. Seriously, I could not be more sick of this sexist ignorance. My sociopathic narcissist was a woman. Her name is Kimberly. I am (was) a good man, and (was) strong; she tore right through me, and even seeing it coming there was nothing I could do. I don’t even know which end is up half of the time now. You do not have a monopoly on emotional abuse. I never even felt anything before her. Now what do you even do with this mess? I’m just trying to heal ffs.

  24. Thank you for your comments. I left a narc/socio/psychopath. He used to hit me regularly and say the most hurtful things. I believe his was brought on by drug use. His father was the same and abused his mother. I left with 3 small children. My children are now grown, but for 20 years he has made everyone hate me. Was my fault. I have now come to realize that all people that r involved in drugs or alcohol for a long time develop this personality trait. He said he would destroy me if I left him. I laughed – no you can’t. He told all his narcissistic drug friends and it has become a free for all to attack me. I have never done drugs so didn’t see it coming. He hid it from me. I am now thinking of putting things right. My children don’t know about their father as I left when they were young. But I don’t want them to believe any of it when I have never said a word to make them think bad about their father. Though they have experienced disconcerting times with him.

    I just want to hold my head with dignity again.

  25. I have never heard of a person like that, until I got into the relationship with one. I fell head over hills in love with this man. At first he treated me so good, it was unbelievable I had found a man who treated me like a queen. Than he started treating me like I was nothing, putting me down, cussing me, couldn’t do anything right to please him. I couldn’t even feed his cat right. Never in my life been around a confusing person like that. He was not happy about anything. Than he wanted to marry me, but I would have to sell my place, auction off everything I had before we got married. I said no, I wouldn’t do that! So rumours were he was seeing anyone else but was telling me he loved me. I lefted, no contact for a year, found out he’s engaged to someone he met on a dating site. She is selling everything to move in with him. The love I thought we had for each other is going.

  26. Wow. I am in the throws of it now. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have to figure out a way to get my sanity and my life back. I’m left with no friends and barely a support system. You have susincly put into this post all I’ve gone through for the last 5 1/2 years. I just don’t know at this point how to repair my mind and heart.

  27. Thank you for sharing your story. It was as if you are telling mine. I only discovered what I have been dealing with off and on for 30 years of my life with someone that I thought was my soulmate. It is devastating and I pray that each of you will be graced with the strength to continue to thrive in life in spite of this horrific abuse.

  28. Women narcissists are even more ruthless because they can play the “I’m a victim” card and society will always believe them because they are supposedly the weaker sex. This allows the female narcissist to completely destroy their victims with no boundaries once they are deemed useless. Because females are rarely considered to be these despicable individuals, they can wreak havoc on anyone and everyone with reckless abandon without accountability. As a victim of these odious females, when you attempt to inform others of the abuse and destruction you have endured, you will not be taken serious. You will be considered a scorned lover and nothing more. The advice you will receive from everyone is “Just get over it and move on.” If it were only that easy…

  29. I believe the sociopath is well aware of the pain they are causing and are tickled by it. They receive pleasure from watching others suffer. It goes way beyond not having empathy its pure evil. I was personally raised by one and had a few in my life that did some heavy damage to my soul. I can spot them now a mile away. Its something i feel in my gut Sometimes ill start shaking around a person and get really nervous upon meeting them not knowing why turns out they are sociopaths. Its like my body knows before my brain does.

  30. unfortunately many counselors don’t recognize the traits of a narcissist.
    It’s more and beyond just about loving yourself to a fault. As you said it’s abuse. It’s using a person until she will be discarded without ever looking back.
    My husband left after he lost his crazy mind for good, try to throw me off road with his car and his last words, when I was begging him to stay, were “you are no worth anymore.” He left after 8 years of leaving and coming back, but this time he did not. He did not even say good bye to my children.
    He latched on “friends” and his mother, another narcissist herself, and I haven’t heard from
    Him in 3 months. Of course he has a girlfriend already.
    Thank you for your article. Understanding helps a little not to drawn in fear and doubts.

    I am broken,

  31. I really appreciated reading this. I, too, spent 2 years with a person who made me believe he wanted to marry me and spend his life with me, that he couldn’t live a life without me. These words were literally said one day and the next it was “I’m unhappy. I don’t see how anything could fix this. I have a training course for a week I’ll let you know my decision on Friday”. By Tuesday he was talking to someone new before even giving me his answer. I always knew he had issues but I excused it as his PTSD. And maybe some of it is. But it wasn’t until how he left me and looking back on our relationship that I realized I was in love with a narcissist. Like I said, he said he couldn’t live without me and then said goodbye to me and didn’t fight for me like the past 2 years were nothing. I moved to both ND and Montana from the east coast for him. I left jobs so that he could pursue his career. I loved him and did everything for him. It was like he got his dream job and got promoted in the military and then dropped me. I ended up packing my things and leaving before he got home and he seems to be fine and I am absolutely destroyed mentally emotionally and financially.

  32. It is like i have just read the last FIVE AND A HALF YEARS OF MY LIFE! Every single word like someone telling the story of my current life! I was doing more then well when we met then he lost my car i lost my job i did things that were not legal just to take care of him now i am homeless and facing years in prison as i watch him run around with woman after woman and still come back around to blame me for his actions! Before i met him i had a nice stable life with money in the bank and all the things my family left when they died i now have truly nothing more then years im facing in jail for fraud so he could have his motorcycle to ride off into the sunset with some random female on the back! Yet i still cant gather the strength to not let him weasel his way back in! I have been reading about narcissists for the past year & its him no doubt as he is a twin and i believe wanted to be adored since childhood as an individual rather then be labled “you two” so as an adult making sure no one used that label he made everything about him and perfected it. So much that our lives crossing paths will cost me mine! Its unfortunate how this happens and is not more known about i wish truly i had known before hand the danger signs or warning signs i am not naive and consider myself to be up ” on game” but this man made sure i never seen it coming. I do hope more people learn early on what to watch for because i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy!

  33. Excellent this is exactly feel with my ex which was a female narrasoist… Been8 months and still a compele mess.Thank you for sharing

  34. I’ve experienced the same exact thing (except I only invested half a year and about $2500). His passion was body building & I should have known from the very first date that he was a narcissist because he said his dream was to be so fit that everyone would look at him in awe and be motivated to work out as well. Totally dismissed all the red flags. Reading this, I felt like I had wrote it. I’ve blocked him everywhere online and he’s a thousand miles away now. I’m still going through the “wow he faked everything” stage and it’s sad.

  35. Hi, I had an 18 yr marriage to someone just like this that had constant verbal abuse with some physical mixed in. I always thought it was me and was blamed for everything, his image was the most important… I was beaten if I ever told anyone we had financial difficulties. He went through all of our savings and spent my mother’s inheritance after she passed away. I could go on and on and match everyone else. Someone gave me a book after I got divorced (I left after a final last straw) called “the verbally abusive relationship. I read one chapter and knew clearly, it wasn’t me. I also went to counseling and learned about borderline personality disorder which some of you may want to read about because it’s worse on the “behavior disorder spectrum” than narcissism and was exactly what my ex-husband had. Anyway, it has been 12 years since my divorce and what I really wanted to tell all the women who can’t get out of the relationship, don’t want to, or feel sad that they did is this – a year ago I met an amazing man. He’s not just amazing but NORMAL. We hardly argue but do so civilly and come to agreements. We feel bad when we hurt each other. We’re on the same side meaning we may see things differently but we want the same outcome. He’s wonderful and at his worst, would never call me a bad name or touch me in a hostile fashion. He’s also fun, funny and adventuresome – which is something I was afraid I’d never find since my counselor explained narcissistic men are outgoing and fun (which was why she wanted me to be careful). So there’s hope but it is hard recognizing normal sometime. For all you men and women out there that have been through this – imagine on the other side there is someone wonderful who wants to make your life easy, not hard. Then get the hell out and run for your life. I’m serious. It’s a much better life without them. Peace xo

    1. I’m so happy for you Nina. But how do you know…I mean to trust that you’re not being charmed again and that the promises are once again empty? I am just at the end of this 5 1/2 narcissistic rollercoaster and I don’t believe I’ll ever trust anyone ever again. I can’t go through this again.

      1. 5-1/2 months or years? When I got out of my marriage, I went back into a relationship (about a year later) that wound up feeling “very familiar”. I tried to break it off for a long time and finally did after 18 months. So I figured that it took me 18 years to leave my husband and 18 months to leave the next one… and that was an improvement. I think you will know. You may be charmed, but your antenna will be up a lot quicker. And all I know after meeting my husband is that you shouldn’t ever wonder, you shouldn’t question, you shouldn’t be suspicious, you shouldn’t doubt. If you do any of those things, something isn’t right. It should be mutual and transparent. If it’s not, follow your gut. I think many of us know when we are with someone wrong and dangerous, but we so want it to work that we ignore what’s right in front of us. If you’ve learned one thing, don’t ignore the truth. Good luck Cheryl xoxo

  36. My entire life. Right now. Every word spoken about my soon to be ex husband who left me 6 months pregnant with 2 children

  37. Yes to every word. I lived through this hell for almost two years and it took me two years to find me again and forget that piece of shit. I was completely destroyed and turned inside out by someone that never loved me. Did everything to tear me down with every word, disrespectful action and absence of affection.
    I deserted my family, friends and especially my daughter. My time was demanded and controlled. Nothing I did was enough. My looks and clothing were never good enough. I lost me on every level. I too was a shell of myself.
    I can honestly say that I am happy. I never though I would say that let alone feel it. The best my ex did was leave me. I would have continued to be used on the “friend” level had it not been for a tragic event that completely ended this tragic cycle of lies. I survived and I can honestly say that I’m a stronger person now because of what I endured and know that it will never happen again.

  38. If you have children with these psychos the worst is yet to come when you end the marriage. You’ll spend the next 10 or 20 years in & out of court. They will fight you for custody, sue you if one of your parents dies believing they are entitled to half if they think you inherited something, send CPS, the health dept, the bldg dept relentlessly, things you never heard of or knew about. They are nasty mud throwing toddlers who have no idea how to live a good life.

  39. Amazed , my story in all of this. The cold dead eyes, the detached objectified sex, being told your bad in bed , get older and uglier and broker every year, never involved even when there, only loves you around family or clients or when he needs your favor, cryptic comments to keep you suspicious, they actually want to show you who they really are….sort of. They enjoy your suspicion and curiosity of what your brain does with the few kernals of truth they give you……mixed in curious statements . Don’t bother asking clarifying questions it will only bring a barrage of put downs about your crazy bullshit again………but your not crazy and this is a well planned attempt to drove you crazy… he is enjoying the crap out of watching your brain work……he will even leave you clues to see if you are watching. It’s the narc show and its all about them and are constantly testing you. If you confront they deny and punish. If you don’t notice they pout till you ask what’s wrong and then they punish while you wonder what you did or didn’t do….but they aren’t gonna tell you because this brigs them power and you to your knees. Days later they will love bomb you and you will suffer amnesia until he has you comfortable again and it repeats. I’ve done this dance for twenty five years and only now trying to back out… can’t make it better, it only gets worse and you will suffer and you take the risk of destroyed children and one of them actually becoming a narc. I’ve watched one of my own…a good kid …treat sweet girls like trash, use them for money and sex and dump them coldly. Then you think back to times they probably manipulated you too, but its too late to change it. Need to teach your girls and boys young about the warning signs and then they are only half prepared as every generation the number of narcs increases 5 percent. I’m not out yet but I am already healing. I actually think this made me a better mom and friend but obliterated a chance to be loved as I am 53 with a special needs son. After all this pain I think I will just be happy to find my tribe of wounded women to create safe community with and in that feel full finally instead of the numb and empty world I will be leaving. What makes it hard to disconnect from that past is that all my kids memories were there. Your can’t remember the good without the pain too. I do hope to gain back my femininity soon but will not try till he is gone. I will treat that transformation as precious and protect it and my heart from his destructive venom filled heart and mouth. I don’t know whether to laugh at or feel sorry for the girls he cheats with…… of them will soon replace me……karma.

  40. 10000000 percent TRUTH I liced this sick life 4 13 years made to think all of it was me I was fucking mental he said. It was hell n I’m soglad god saved my life from this life of hell

  41. This is exactly what happened to me. He married me and told me we were soul mates. I was just a meal ticket until the next woman came along. His ex was supposed to be psycho as was his sister. I’ve since discovered they’re actually nice, normal women having to deal with being connected to him. Thank god I was too old to have children with him, when I met him. Every single word you have written here applies to me and I don’t know if I will ever be able to recover. I’m trying so hard to put it all behind me, but the pain and hurt are such deep wounds. I have tried to warn the new woman but of course she thinks I’m a psycho.

    1. Yes… You are so right about how they make others look like they are the crazy ones. He made me look like a psycho. He did cause me to momentarily lose my composure, but I’m a level headed smart woman. He would talk about a couple of his ex’s being crazy but I saw past it. Didn’t know I’d be his next crazy ex! Karma hopefully will visit him for all the pain he has caused to so many women.

  42. So striking how we’ve all experienced practically the same lives at the hands of our narcissistic exes. The hardest part for me has been accepting that it was all a lie. Even now I replay memories that seem so authentic but am gradually coming to accept that feelings existed only within me. This post is the most accurate I’ve read, and I’ve ready many searching for answers and a band-aid for my broken heart. Thank you for your words.

  43. This is exactly word for word what I went through for eight years, there was also physical abuse, I’m so glad I got out, after two years I finally found myself again and me and my children are happy!

  44. I am writing this knowing the answer. Can they change? I want the answer to be yes so badly! That is the problem with being involved with a Narcissist/Psychopath. You want them to be capable of change, but deep inside your heart feels it and the sick feeling in your gut tells you they won’t. Happiness is so temporary and the longer it lasts, the harder you fall when something happens. I’m still in the relationship. A relationship that has spanned almost 30 years. Attraction, heat, sex, cheating and finally the chance to be with the man I fell in love with and dreamed about every day for years…. Which became my nightmare.
    One I’m still living.
    Walked away from my fiancé, my best friend who I had dated for 8 years… Wedding was 95% planned and because I heard the love of my life was divorcing, immediately called off the wedding and moved out of my dream home into a tiny 1bdrm apt. And left The man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with completely devastated and confused. I even held on a bit… Just in case, confusing him even more. For that, I will feel guilt forever. No one deserves what I did to someone who loved me so much. And I loved him. I was so happy… Felt beautiful, had a great job and tons of friends… Had just moved into my dream home and had my dream car… Great kids and life was flourishing…was getting married to the perfect man in 4 months… Going to be a Mrs. again… I Smiled and laughed and took countless photos… And mostly, was adored by my fiancé…

    And threw it all away… One day… Because of a few charming words from a man I thought was my soulmate who has never and will never love me or even care about me. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I was blindsided and knocked out for a while. When I woke up, my world had become a nightmare. I lost everything.

    My gut told me from the beginning something wasn’t right… I haven’t lost the sick feeling in my stomach and it’s been over 4 years since I left.

    I started calling and No answer… For an hour or sometimes days… With no explanation and he even told me he owed me nothing. If I didn’t like it.. I knew where the door was. He was not changing for me. How dumb am I??? Texts not answered for hours or days…. Immediately confused… Still no explanation… Texts late at night… Stories change or hear from someone else that the story was a lie… The first time he blew up and got angry because I questioned his story … It was so bad and so dramatic and I had no faith in him and had trust issues and was jealous. All me!! I was so confused… … I thought it was over… And I was devastated…I waited too long for this and gave up everything… How could this be it?? After just a couple months… I should have walked away then but I couldn’t. I loved him. And I knew he loved me… It was just the stress of his divorce making him act like this… I was going to be the woman who stood by his side even through the toughest times… It would make is even more close. … What a farytale. What a sad disappointment.

    I thought our fight meant it was over between us until the next day when he called and acted sweet and like nothing had happened. As he still does after every issue… I said nothing because I thought he was embarrassed of how mad he got. I still had my man so I didn’t care. Then I moved in with him… And the lies and unsettling feeling got worse. He started feeling confined and like he had to explain where he was and he hated it. Unexplained hours away and if I asked… A fight. But I would push it and ask… And he told me to pack my SHIT and get out. I had no where to go… He calmed down… Sweet talked a little and I was back the next day… It’s the cycle… I still had no clue who or what I was dealing with. After packing every single thing I could fit into my car the night before. I came back knowing he had lied. It was my safety to be where he was. I had destroyed my life and one by one my friends fell off. And it was my fault. I was embarrassed. So I pushed everyone away. Even family. His plan was working… I had no clue.

    He left his phone unlocked one day and the worst thing I ever did was open it and read the texts. And found the passwords to his email, Facebook and cell phone records… It became my life… My obsession. and the pain became constant. But I could not walk away.. He somehow explained everything. At least he said what o wanted to hear. What temporarily took my pain away. I wanted to believe him and the pain i felt was too bad and I didn’t want to deal with what was real. Black and white… In writing… And I stayed. The day I read my first article about narcissism… I threw up and stayed in the bathroom crying for a couple hours. It still tortures me… Stripped me of my very essence. I became weak, needy, sad, I begged … Actually begged someone to love me and give me… A formerly very popular pretty thin fun person was begging for a morsel of attention, for his time and love, never feeling it and getting less and less the more I begged. I lost every ounce of self respect for myself and my confidence was 0. I never felt so ugly. I don’t resemble my photos from the past. It’s so weird. I’m afraid to try. I get anxiety and couldn’t even leave the house for awhile. It took hours to get ready and actually leave my house. Even just to go to the grocery store. I don’t recognize anything i see in the mirror. Lost 2 jobs… My fault… Poor performance after being hired for every job I ever applied for and quickly becoming part of the inner circle.

    I’m terrified of breaking away because I still feel like I love the man so much and have such a hard time believing that this nightmare is true… How can he not feel love or empathy. He’s been through so much. Seen death up close several times… Feels responsible… Felt abandoned by his mother when she’d leave him home at night to go out to bars… Saw his father die in front of him. Was in an accident and broke his back and saw his brother in law doe which he feels responsible for And has never got help for any of it… My mind tries to justify it… Doesn’t want to accept that those situations molded him into what he is… A shell… Not capable of loving me. He Persued me relentlessly when we were in our late teens… He was smitten and I saw that as love… Didn’t see him for 6 years and ran into him and the feelings were so strong I couldn’t write my phone number down my hand was shaking so bad. He called me 5 minutes after I walked away from him. I spent every second dreaming of when id get to see him. Laid my head down every single night wishing I was where he was and I’ve never spent one minute with him … And wished I was somewhere else.

    The pain of not seeing him or talking to him ever is overwhelming. I lose either way. I never wanted anyone but him. I’m afraid I never will. And that makes breaking away seem like the end.

    Worse than any bad relationship scenario I could have ever imagined before. There is no hope. He can’t change. He isn’t who I fell in love with 30 some years ago and spent my life hoping and waiting to have this chance to feel a love like love is supposed to be. And even better than most people! I knew I had it!! I was a lucky one!! I thought because so many years had gone by and my feelings grew stronger… That I had something most people never get. And it is my nightmare. I never saw life without him in it. And after all that I’ve been through… Put myself through… I still don’t. I didn’t want to live without him and still don’t even though I have spent the last 2 1/2 years reading daily about who he really is and that I mean nothing to him. I’m terrified of the pain. I’ve lost my family and I truly believe no one I am in contact with understands at all. Ice tried to explain and it just starts sounding so stupid. They think I’m crazy for not walking away. I turn away offers for dates from men I know are honest and good… I destroyed the one true relationship I had and I miss my best friend… My ex fiancé so bad. One day… One very bad decision… And I lost my entire life. Job, friends, fiancé, home, family, money, security, peace, happiness, want to love, want to live and hope for the future… All gone.
    I’m not working because of an injury. No income. No where to go. And I know every day I stay… Is another day of my life lost. I have felt pain I never imagined and I know it will get worse before it gets better and I don’t know if I can handle it alone. And no contact seems impossible. The pain honestly makes me not want to breathe. I’d never do anything to myself so I know I’m stuck in the middle of pain. I make life easy and I have completely lost myself. I say nothing and try not to fight. I give the adoration and get very little in return. No “I love you”… Ever. But less pain. It’s very empty an you begin to feel like you have nothing to offer anyone. And how can I ever trust anyone again. This man on my mind for over half my life was the love of my life.., i thought he was my soulmate. My everything…… He is My destruction. The very essence of all my pain. All mixed together. And the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been more attracted to any other man. Ever. He is the one I compare all others to. And no one comes close.
    I don’t know what to do. How do you stop loving someone? Even if it’s not love… I think it is… And my heart thinks it is… And wants it to be even with the truth… To the point I get sick. I want someone to remove me and be there 24 hours a day to keep me away from him. To leave and be alone is the worst thought I could have. I’d feel dead and have so much pain and grief. I’ve felt it before and it’s so awful. I was wrong… But how could I be this wrong? It’s horrible. It’s life in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic and a psychopath. They don’t change. The victim is the one who gets counseling and life long scars… They never will because they don’t think anything is wrong.

  45. Wow! This article is right on the mark! There are many variations on a theme that was my life. Abuse, stuck financially, abandonment, leaving all are explained. I was told “go to hell – you’ll never know how to be a good wife” as he walked out the door. For 10 years my life was hell. Literally..he even conned people in 3 churches how wonderful he was..the pastor and wife from one still think I am the toxic person! For 2-1/2 years I have been almost free of this “satan double” because he went and found some trashy woman in North Carolina that thinks he is the greatest thing to walk the earth. Six months after he left she is emailing me about how wonderful he is, and how they will get married as soon as I let go of him. She even said “he said he never loved you like he loves me” OMG is she right! After 2-1/2 years I am still saving up for a lawyer to get this heinous bastard out of my life. How do you find a lawyer that will believe you and won’t charge you for everything you have left in order to get rid of the sob? Many thanks for the article…reading that so many have been through the same as I have has helped me understand my feelings and not feel so alone.

  46. So very true. But not only men are this way. My brother just divorced his narcissist wife. The most mentally anbusive person I have ever met.

  47. My narcissistic ex walked out on me without a single word and left me confused. Thank you for sharing. Reading your article has helped me to identify that the problem was not me bit it was him.
    I am feeling better now.
    Thank you for sharing. Blessing.

  48. I went through the same exact thing with my ex…another of his problems..he cheated all the time!! And every girl he met he told her he wanted to have a baby with her!! I do have a son to him! And I think the only reason he wanted that was to “stay connected”…he has stalked and harassed me… he is now married but it took almost a year and half after his marriage to quit trying to get with me… he cheats on his wife truly never ends!!

  49. This was so pin point true. I’m unfortunately the ex mistress of a narcissist. He told me lie after lie about his wife. He used me financially and emotionally. I carried on with all his lies for 6 years. He walked away for no reason other than he was busy. Yes busy with a 24 yr old. His wife ultimately found out and he made her the bad guy I ended up meeting her and talking with her. He lied she is the most amazing woman and has been hurt and deceived by him. He has not 1 moment of remorse for the mess and shattered lives he left behind. She and I look at each other and there is no sorry no care. And he is with another victim. The signs were all there but like the article said didn’t see them or want to until it was too late and left destroyed. Thank you for this article!

  50. hi my name is Jennifer and I wanted to say thank you for writing this article. I too have been the victim of a sociopaths narcissist. We were engaged and I broke it off recently. After reading this article many of my ex fiancé’s past girlfriends had warned me and I just couldn’t listen because I just wanted to be loved by this man. I could get the attention of any man it was easy but this man was intriguing because he wasn’t falling for me like every one else. I too am left not with nothing but having everything because I saw that he wanted me for financial gain. I’m so glad I found out about this before I actually said yes. The warning signs are there you just have to listen to them. There are days I still wish that he would call and want to make things right but I know my heart will never be that way

  51. I am a younger teen girl that has recently gone through and left a relationship like this. I’ve never had anything hurt me more before and I never saw it coming. I still hurt and have anxiety thinking about it. Seeing this….it makes me feel a little bit more understood and that reassures me.

    1. Dear Amber

      Thank you for your comment and I feel grateful that you learned this lesson early on. Remember the signs . Take what you have learned and be stronger for it.
      Many blessings ✌🏼️

  52. This is my life in a nutshell. But, I married mine. We are moving forward to divorce. My husband cheated and fell in love with a married woman he worked with. Then broke it off, played the victim for months and decided we needed to lI’ve apart for awhile. While living apar, he insisted that we stayed married in every sense of the word. I stayed in the home with the kids and paid bills and lived the life that we signed up for. All while “working on our marraige” only to find out that he had been sleeping with more women from work and was currently dating. Dating. He’s a marriwd man. Married. And he is sleeping around and dating. While he strung me along making sure I was faithful and loyal to him. I found out and needless to say, I am done. I supported him and forgave him and was always there for him. But he says it’s my fault he cheated and my fault that he wasn’t happy. It’s so hard, but a life living with a man that you can’t trust would be an impossible life sentence. Stay strong, sisters. We don’t deserve this.

  53. You hit the nail on the head. I was married to this person for 15 years and have 3 children. One day he cheated and divorced me and walked out with no remorse leaving me torn apart and having to keep it together for my kids. It has taken me 2 1/2 years to realize that I’m better off and it wasn’t my fault. This article hit every point.

  54. I was with my narcissist ex, on and off, for ten years. He blamed me for his irresponsible actions and I took the blame up to a few months ago. Of course he’s “moved on” to a new girl, though I state in quotations because I think he was seeing her before our breakup. He has decided to hurt me where it hurts by teaching our kids that God doesn’t exist and that church will brainwash them. My beliefs have brought me so much peace and has helped me back to wholeness. He has always known that passing these beliefs to my children (passing, not forcing) is important to me, so he has decided to teach them to be suspicious of me and my beliefs. How can someone do that, when I’ve never said a negative word about him to our kids? Because he wants to win at any cost… because that is all a narcissist cares about- winning.

  55. My brother and eldest sister are sociopaths. It broke my heart when his bitchy second wife told me to quit trying to reconcile with him and understand that he never had a connection to me. I saw that our attachment was one sided and I had filled in the blanks in my own mind. I wrote this song about him called secret dysfunction.

  56. I have been married for 30 years. We have been separated for 2 years now. I could never understand or figure him out. The final straw came when he had an affair with a girl he worked with. He was actually caught in the act literally during work with her having sex. Because he was only seeing her during working hours his justification was that it didn’t constitute as an affair because he never “spent” the night with her! I can remember looking at him when he said this & I had no words to even reply back with because he truly believed what he said, I was dumbfounded. He was married previously before me & his ex-wife had remarried. Her new husband did the same thing to her that my husband had done to me but he actually told me he wasnt’t like his ex-wife’s husband even though he had done the same thing! I realized at that time that he really believed he was above all others. He lost his job due to being caught in the act & that devastated him because now he could not hide the type of person he was from people that knew him. Everyone always thought he was the nicest person but they didn’t live with him. He was never interested in what me or r kids did. He could go for months not even acknowledging his son that was at home but would bend over backwards for anyone else’s child just to make himself look good. I will never forget his ex-wife telling me when she was married to him how lonely she felt when she was with him & I could totally relate after being married to him the feeling. They r good at manipulation & u have to stay away fron them because they can make u think u have done nothing right & u r crazy. I can truly say it has taken me the last couple of years to try & get myself back together & like myself. I am happy to b by myself. I can’t see myself in another relationship because it has made me leary of trusting again. I never want to b with anyone like this again

    1. You need to begin your journey to heal your heart and soul. You will see in time
      as you heal and begin to let the light into your life again good people will be drawn to your good energy and you will trust the right people this time. Peace

  57. I went to through the same thing. He bought a house and promised me the world, we lived together as a family ( we have a son). One day I caught him cheating. He was so “remorseful” swore than noting happened. After a year and half I discovered that every week he would have sexual encounters with shemale escorts. He tried to deny it, and even did the crocodile tears trick, but by then my eyes were wide open. After he knew I was not giving in to his lies, he showed his real self. I never seen someone so evil! he left me and his own son homeless.

  58. I have been through hell & back, and it takes so much energy on a daily basis to do so little… It’s very painful to know I spent almost 20 years of my life with a man I loved, who didn’t love me back… On June 2, 2014 I thought I was finally free of my Narcissist & I was granted divorce with a good settlement, because abuse could be proven… Since I have full custody of our daughter he needs to know where we are living at ALL times (?… Sorry judge, but that doesn’t sound right! …?), so on August 1, 2014 my daughter & I moved into our new life… A week ago (a little over a month in our new home) my ex-husband’s MARRIED girlfriend sends me a certified letter… I refused the mail, but the ONLY person she could have gotten my address from was my narcissist… He lied (as usual) & said, “I don’t know how she got your address!”… Needless to say, she must be just as messed-up in the head as him, because there is NO reason for her to contact me, other then he caused his usual narcissistic trouble making, which he has been doing to me for twenty years! When the HELL will I FINALLY be FREE of this MAD MAN?!?! …Ladies do yourself a favor, and STAY AWAY from this man… Kevin Ptashinski (New Jersey) …I wish someone would have warned me 20 years ago & maybe I would be living a normal life, where I’m actually not afraid to leave my home & trust someone, and maybe I could have actually known what it felt like for a man to love me!

  59. Thank you for writing this. You have written my life with my ex narcissist. I feel your pain. I met and was married to him for 4 years. I still don’t know why he married me if he discarded me?! Probably for status. Who knows!

    My husband bullied me and our five month old baby out of our home and told me to leave the country. He manipulated and threatened me if I didn’t leave. I am from the UK and was alone in the US, so decided I would agree and go. I was actually quite scared of him. I just felt so vulnerable. He said he would send my belongings as I was complying but it would take a while coz apparently we had no money as he controlled all of that too in our marriage. Later on to find out, he had tons of money stashed away!

    The day I left, my neighbours emailed me and said my husband had thrown out all our sons things in the trash in front of everyone. He trashed his crib, clothes, toys, rocker, play pen etc….you get the picture. It all happened on thanksgiving day. He then got rid of the family dog. I felt sick when I found this out and more scared. A few weeks later I find out he has brought his mistress into our home and they moved out together a month later with my belongings. He emptied our bank accounts and I had found out he had lied, hid financially and had affairs. I didn’t know this until I started to uncover the truth from UK. He ignored us, even though I tried so hard to fight for him and told him he should love and be with his son but I have not heard from him. I filed divorce and he asked me to give up everything for me to keep my son with me all the time in UK as he knew I would now not return to the USA because of what he had done and how he bullied us out and destroyed our home. I was scared for a while and to be alone in usa.

    It is heartbreaking that someone can behave in such a way . I know my faults in my marriage but to have someone lie cheat and steal from your child and wife if unfathomable to me. He even said,be is changing and I won’t like who he will become and our son was a mistake and so is the marriage. Apparently, he says we never married and he pretended to be someone else when he met me. He said he wanted to be like me but it didn’t work. WTF! Who says that. I look back see his eyes were emotionless but he fooled me with his charm and humour. I spent days weeks and months blaming myself coz I did argue in the marriage over his crazy parents as his mum was definitely narcissistic. She ruined my wedding and my birth. You are so right….they do blame you for everything. Projectile!!

    I feel completely mentally and emotionally abused. If only you knew the depths of what I went through. This man didn’t care I was left peniless with our son and seriously there was nothing I could do about it. He had it all perfectly planned. I do get child support and even before that he tried to get out of it.

    These men are sperm donors who should be locked away for the destruction and chaos they leave behind!

  60. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I went through the exact same experience a few years ago and I am still recovering. I have never heard someone articulate exactly the way I feel..which is forever changed. I always had wonderful men in my life before my terrible ex and I still find myself questioning things about myself that I never did before. My therapist has said I had post traumatic stress from the experience and I need to grieve over my ex like a death. I am feeling stronger every day and thank you for sharing your story!

  61. At least you got out after 8 months! I spent 22 years with a narcissist. I always thought the problem was me. The criticism wore me down. Sad to think I have never had real love or intimacy with a man. I have an excellent divorce lawyer, so wish me luck!

  62. The article is passionate and deeply accurate but as a man it’s extremely difficult to wade through because of the extreme and gratuitous gender bias. Obviously she’s been hurt by a NPD. But so have countless men. Keep it gender neutral and it’s much more accessible to all. Decrying finger pointing while doing so is an awkward prism and as a male reader cumbersome to navigate

  63. THank you so much for sharing this…it is EXACTLY what happened to me…reading this made me shutter inside…My Narcissist was pleading to me to get married, convinced me to get pregnant before we got married,…when I lost the baby he got another girl pregnant 2 weeks later…turned out he was cheating on me the ENTIRE relationship ….he was also utterly abusive after the breakup….indignant…and would not look me in the face and walk right past me as though I was a stranger….I thought I was not going to live through it…and it took almost 3 years for me to feel normal again…still have not let anyone near me since…but your sharing of this story and all of the others make me feel less alone in this…THANK YOU….we need a larger movement to protect people from Narcissists…especially since the DSM has declared it no longer a disorder since it is so common….blessings sister!!

  64. Amazing the way this type of disorder of narcissist is explained. I am just breaking up with a guy exactly like that. I spoke to a friend of mine and i told her “He has not self criticism capability, he is liar and always caring of his image in front others. he has not love and he lower importance to all i did or told him, he never looked my eyes when i spoke to him, and now he is blaming of my lack of trust, of course he is very unfaithful”.. She found this article and emailed it to me and how i wish i had access to this info before; since i have already spent 15 months living with this error guy. Of course such a waste of time and going around in my head, trying to figure what i did wrong?. Grrrr, but thank you sooo much at least i won’t kill my mind trying to understand the “Why” it will save me lots of time and it will make me aware to don’t ever attract a person with such a that disorder to my life. Thank you again

  65. I’m married to a narsicist , for 38 yrs . Faithfully, deeply loving him .
    Only to get shoved aside everyday , and to be cheated on .
    He gave me a std for a gift to which he denies . Of course!
    But admits I didn’t cheat . He is a minister which your right it just feeds the monster. How can I get out with a clean reputation ?
    I’m filing for divorce this month ! How can I save my face , plus I’m sure to never have a relationship again , trust and this std will make it impossible . He does hold one thing over me , I’ve been totally dependent on his income . Now I’m not able to work with having COPD . Social security disability is all I have and it will never be able to pay my bills . I need a place to live , medicine, food,utilities .
    How do I do this ? To scared to stay , to scared to go ?
    My Dr. Is worried he is poisoning me ? Please help !

    1. Dear Donna,
      I am in your place too……I do hope and pray that you are safe and found your rightful place getting everything you deserve; Love, honesty affection, trust, PEACE, among so many others.
      I am praying for you!!

  66. I am a gay male and barely have a breath of life in me after 13 years with my male narcissistic “life” partner. Anybody who has never gone through this devastating experience might read your post and think you are a drama queen. But I know better. Even those who are sympathetic and try to help me still don’t understand the sheer magnitude of the destruction; the pure, unfettered evil; and the incomprehensible pain. I loved my partner with all my heart and soul – still do ( Stockholm Syndrome, I am told ). He was the center of my life ( of course he was – he alienated me from everybody – friends, family, the whole world ). He stole everything from me – identity, accomplishments, every last dime. He has everybody believing I was the abuser; that I am crazy; that I am the worst kind of person there is. I wish I could at least get people to see the truth. But he is too good. He is a master in his class of fellow predators. We had dreams, goals, ambitions. We accomplished most of them – it was when i had accumulated enough money for him to steal so he could live his life without ever having to work again that he reached his final goal. A goal apparently he had all along – the entire 13 years. It wasn’t good enough to steal my life’s work and run. He had to try his damnedest to get me put in jail ( still trying to this day ). He said he’d break my bones and kill me. I believe he will one day if I don’t go into permanent hiding. It is not the physical violence or the loss of everything that is the most painful. It is that I loved someone with every fiber of my being for 13 years and that someone doesn’t exist. It may as well have been a sock puppet on a street artist’s hand in a tourist town. The pain of that is intolerable; unbearable; incomprehensible. I would not have believed that such pain was even possible before it happened to me. At one time, I was on death’s door and survived through sheer will and determination. Life is worth fighting for, more than anything else. Suicide is not something I should ever have been thinking of. But here I am looking up the quickest and least painful methods. Torn between 2 hells – one the unknown of what happens to the soul of a person who takes their own life; and the other – living with inconsolable pain and the “love of my life’s” sheer determination to take my freedom or my last breath away. A person shouldn’t have to ever be confronted with that choice. The legal system protects the narcissists, the sociopaths and psychopaths. I guess people ( judges and lawyers ) protect their own. Can anybody promise me that living is the better option ?

    1. The curse of the sociopath love affair is the way the loved us when it 1st started. It’s intense it’s passion, its called love bombing and it is one of the tools they use to reel us in, its that soul-mate love we can be apart bullshit! But that is just it it’s all bullshit. The only way to deal with them is to walk away change your number delete them out of your life and never look back again! Change Your energy and change your life. Good Energy Brings Good people to you. These people are life suckers and have nothing but a dark energy around them. run and don’t look back.

    2. Dear Nothingleftofme:

      I read your story and it was almost as if it came straight out of my journal. It would be a blessing to be able to talk to you and comfort you with our unfortunate shared experiences. Please know that you are not alone!!! I too have felt EXACTLY like you, wondering if life after him is worth it. I was strong and confident; I knew me, I knew who I was, I knew where I was going. Now…..I’m without a dime, without friends, and starting all over.
      While I can regain a sense of my former self after time, and I can start over with everything else, what is really killing me is that I still love him. I feel as if a part of my soul has been ripped out.
      I am left feeling bereft and empty, a shadow of my former self.

      I know this reply is 3 years after your experience, and I can only hope that you are doing so much better! I just wanted to tell you that reading your shared story really touched my heart. It makes me feel as I’m no longer alone. Although even having this shared experience is a sad statement it makes me strong to know that I too am limping along with soo many others.

      I know—-> THIS TOO SHALL PASS

      (I just wish it would hurry up lol!!)

    Please read : The no contact rule, Mr.Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, Deal breakers, Great big red flags and your Bible every day.
    I see gradients of the trash I put in the garbage in your stories. I thank God that I had strong support from my family & friends both male and female. This older seemingly strong, bold, charming army officer and persistent individual ran my emotional life for 7 months. Showering me with love and attention one minute….putting me in text/phone time out or disappearing then texting me back into his life all the while stating how incompatible we really were.
    At one point I thought I was going crazy when I had a recurrent dream that he was a wax figure; to my surprise after reading the above literature I realized my subconscious was trying to tell me what it took 6 books 20 youtube videos by Dr. Sam Valkin to clarify narcissism revisited.
    The most important and most difficult thing to do is realize that You are misguided… they are a Nut-job. Psychopath.
    Most of these people are certifiable by age 10… and share their insanity with 1 or both parents and possibly siblings.
    All that to say…that we didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell. So no more self beatdown. Time to rise above it.
    The next difficult task is to go No-Contact when possible in order to get off the roller coaster, carousel or my dreaded monkey machine of the fluctuating insanity of….I love you, call me text me, leave me alone…. I need space. I need you; you suffocate me. See you next month….who the hell are you with ???? You abandoned meeeee!!!!!!…..P.S. you know I’m crazy….about you…????!!!!!!.rinse and repeat.
    I would never have believed that the charming man idolizing me would be driving me to the brink of an emotional shut down months later. I see a glimpse of the trash I put in the garbage in every blog posted.
    During the course of 7 months I found out many shady things about him including an affair with his dead brothers widow. He enjoyed criticizing me every chance he got and telling me we were incompatible and put distance and disinterest between us very time I sought commitment. I kept a log and a journal, I soon figured out his M.O. and cut off all his narcissistic supply. I’m sure he is gaslighting and future faking his new victim by now bc
    I have been no contact for 60 days. The nonhuman texted me on Christmas eve and I had the joy of ignoring him… because I was not created to be under his feet !
    For I know the plans I have for you to bless and not harm you…Jer.29:11
    God Bless & Happy New Year 2014!!!

  68. I only want to thank you with all my heart. I felt completely identified with your words. I have just left a very toxic relationship with a narcissist man, and reading you made me realize that he never loved me. That’s cruel, but liberating. Thank you so much.

  69. Yes. This describes my ex husband exactly. It is very painful to be married to a phony for 14 years. I was blind by some of his behavior and realize that the best for me was divorce. I will eventually recover and get my life back. I am finally released from the abuse I took for years. It was the last five years that was horrible. At least I am still young to find a different relationship. I defintely learned what a narcissistic does and will be more aware in the future.

  70. I am just coming to this site and see it was written quite a while ago but shocked by the similarities in my feelings and experience. How are you doing, anyway? I hope he did not come back to you. You seemed strong and done with him.
    Anyway, here’s my story. I have been married to an amazing man for the past 15 years. We have 3 beautiful children, are doing well financially and I very successful in my career. A few years ago I met a family who moved to our town and our children went to the same school. Eventually the family became a part of our social circle and we became good friends. We enjoyed this couples company-the were fun, genuine and easy-going, although I noticed from the start that they both always only seemed interested in themselves. Their experiences were always the topic or center of conversation.
    About 2 years ago the husband started emailing or texting me. It started as trivial things- questions about fitness or nutrition. Or just small talk. The conversations began to get longer, later at night and more intense. There were nights we would talk for 4-5 hours straight. He poured his heart out to me about troubles he was having but was never specific. He was always vague in what was going on but at times was suicidal (so he says). I talked him through these moments and began to have feeling a for him-which in turn began to affect my marriage. At one point I asked him if there was something more going on between us and he said no, he wouldn’t want to ruin the special connection we had as friends and asked me to meet him the next day in person to talk abt I. I refused at first. I didn’t see the point. But he insisted. I met him, we talked, and he said the same thing-that we were just friends. He held my hand and told me what an amazing woman I was. He didn’t want to screw up my life.
    From that point and for the next 6 months, he did not treat me as just a friend. He asked me to meet him all the time-at least 2 times a week I would leave my job during the day, bring him lunch and sit in my car with him for hours. He was and also still is, btw, in serious financial trouble. So I always treated for lunch.
    Things started to become physical when he would ask for a hug when I was leaving. We would literally stand there for 10-15 minutes hugging, looking into each others’ eyes. I would kiss his neck and put my hands up his back under his shirt and tickle his back. He told me to keep doing it if I stopped. But when I would later feel confused he would tell me again-“we are just friends and if you have feelings for me we have to stop”. We started going to movies or sat at a bar one time. In the movies I would tickle his arm. He loved it and told me to do it. He would sometimes run his finger up my inner thigh. He still claimed we were friends but we never so much as kissed. Then my husband was away as was his wife and we went out together-movie and dinner, then sat in the car for a while. My house had no power from a storm so no AC in the dead of summer. He offered to have me sleep over. At first I thought no way but then thought- if something is going to ever happen, this is the time. So I went. He did not want to fool around. I was so confused. But I actually talked him into bc at this point I felt like it had to happen already. So we did and what happened is far too fucked up to write here but all I can say is we did not have sex, thank god. But being with him felt so different than any other man I had ever been with. It was like he wasn’t even there. Unthought it would be this amazing, passionate experience but I was actually bored. In the end, let’s just say he got off, I didn’t. And when he was done he went to his bedroom and I slept downstairs. The next few days he was fine but then freaked out and said it couldn’t ever happen again. Once he did that I was deeply hurt and told him I needed some distance. He said “ok” and I didn’t hear another word from him. No questions or appeals to be friends. Nothing. Then I finally texted him bc we kept seeing each other and it was strained and awkward. We spoke but over the next few months it was up and down and we ended up fooling around a few more times, mostly just kissing. It was then he started asking me for money for various things. All in all I gave him (not even loaned) over $5,000 in cash. That was apart from gifts, clothing, good, gifts for him to give his kids, concert tickets and more. Then he started becoming more and more distant. He said less complimentary things, made less effort and would go ages without showing any interest in me. Eventually, I figured out he was now involved with another woman. We started fighting all the time. With every fight he would turn it around to make me feel it was my fault. He is now in a full blown affair with this GIRL (he is 39, she is 24). His wife is in denial. He stays out until 3 am every night, having sex with this girl at his office. His wife says nothing. She doesn’t want him to leave. She had been told by other friends that he is having an affair.
    Anyway, we had what I hope to be out last fight ever about 2 weeks ago. I had sent him a really nice text just about being his friend and supporting him no matter what. His response was “yes” to which I told him that was lane and I don’t know why I bother and I’m done. After he called me a bitch, asshole and mother fucker I basically realized he doesn’t care abt me in the least bit. He has no respect for me and had no fear of losing me as a friend or anything else. I have hidden the app icon for texting bc I was making me too sad to know that he hadn’t texted me and I couldn’t deal w seeing that every time I turned on my phone. I don’t even know if he’s reached out. I don’t want to know. If he really wants to speak to me, he can try harder. In the meantime, I’m hoping that the linger I go without talking to him, the less i will want to so that if the time ever comes that he does try, I will have the strength and insight to say no. I know he used me. I know he never loved me. I know I was just his narcissistic supply. I am using every ounce of strength I have to not contact him. I cry every day and miss him. But I know he is a sick man and he is hurting every person he comes in contact with. I just wish I wasn’t one of them. I have lost two precious years of my life thinking about this sociopath. I am a different person. I am angry and sad. I am on anti-depression meds and am seeing a psychiatrist. How can one person hurt so many and get away with it? When will he stop or will he vet learn that his actions are destroying peoples lives. I know this is so long! But that is my story in a large nutshell. Any advice in how to get through this terrible time and not let him ever back into my life???? I know the obvious things. Don’t text or respond to texts, etc. how can I get him out of my head once and for all????

    1. Lucy Carr your story disgusted me. Who cares if you were the victim of a narcissist when your husband is the victim of a disgraceful deceitful cow like you. You mention nothing about remorse for the dishonesty and betrayal to your husband. Maybe you are the narcissist. Or just a terrible, TERRIBLE person. Shame on you.

      1. ditto. This whiner is blaming the Narcissist for being a Narcissist and CLEARLY hasn’t glokked the irony of not mentioning her poor hubby except to note that she waited until he was away as was the poor wifey of the Narc, and then jumped on the chance of spending time with the Narc… only to blame the Narc later on for being a cad. pfffft. sortof reminds me of a friend of mine who was sooo sorry for himself when his wife turned out to have been deeply into crystal meth for a year and a half… if she got away with the affair and a huge drug addiction and my friend didnt even notice, then id say there was a good chance he wasn’t in love with her anyway… and you know who marries ppl when they don’t love them… narcs, thats who.

      2. Coralxgrave..don’t you dare judge. I had this exact same thing happen to me. I’m struggling with it. These evil people literally hypnotize you into doing things you’d never ever think you’d do. Until you walk in her shoes, or mine, do not judge.

    2. Really… are married to a wonderful man…..have a wonderful life…..and want sympathy from those of us who were married to/conned by these narcissist long term… 20 years married to one. You get no sympathy and no respect. What is wrong with you, really?

    3. I am/was in the same boat. Married, got snowed by a married man. I do not excuse my part, but the power these narcs have to insidiously seduce you into doing things you never imagined you’re capable of cannot be underestimated. My story is too long and heartbreaking like everyone else’s but in a nutshell I’m left a shadow of myself, wondering “who am I?”, feeling very unlovable, worthless, etc. I know it’s all not true but I can’t help how I feel and I fight it daily. I know I have a long recovery and will do everything in my power to be a good wife to my wonderful husband. But never ever underestimate these narcs. He targeted me. Popped in on me several times for three years feeling me out without my knowledge. Until the prime opportunity came up. There were red flags but I brushed them off as affair red flags or my own ignorance (I’ve never so much as even kissed another man other than my husband). I too had a horrible night with this narc…a huge letdown after grandiose plans and promises. He was a total dud. But he still found a way to turn it on me, make me look like the nut with problems. My head knows what he was doing, but that guy he presented himself to be in the beginning…I was and am still forever seeking him. Even though I know he never existed. It’s cruel. Heartbreaking. Life changing.

  71. Very interesting posts and experience….does anyone have any experience being a histrionic female being involved with a narcissistic male…just recently realized that it may be my situation and trying to think about my next move……

  72. Hi everyone. I’ve just been through a very difficult breakup with someone I was with for 3 years, and I’m wondering if he’s a narcissist. It’s been an emotional roller coaster since about 6 months after I met him. I don’t know why, but I’m very drawn to him and was very much in love with him. He’s like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde; he can be unbelievably sweet and giving, but also self-absorbed and accusing; he blames me for everything and accuses me of being a “dreamkiller” because I dared to suggest when I first met him that maybe he could consider going back to school or getting a day job when he complained about constraint struggle of trying to make a living as a photographer. We lived in the same city the first year, but then I had to move back to another city I had lived before; I bought a condo in the city where he lives and, over the past two years, went there all the time to see him and spent the entire summer there. Since about 6 months after I met him, he has left abruptly, after getting mad at me, and dropped out of sight and contact for days at a time. I’ve always begged him to come back and he has. A year ago, September, he broke up with me in a very cruel way; He was like a different person, all of a sudden very cold and distant and cruel, telling me he wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t love me anymore and why would i want to be with him if he felt that way? We got back together again a few months later, and he’s been sweet and generous most of the time, but also has a huge need for space and will distance for days or even weeks at a time. This past September, after we’d spent the entire summer together and grown very close, he broke up with me, very abruptly, one week after I had major surgery; he knew I was still in major pain and worried something had gone wrong. Right before I left (in a hurry to have emergency surgery, since they were worried I might have ovarian cancer), he had said he’d take care everything at my condo and that he’d fly out to see me after that if I wanted. But the next thing I knew he was telling me I”m the most selfish person he’s ever met and he “just isn’t feeling it any more” and he wants to break up. Since then he’s contacted me off and on, telling me to just hang in there, that he needs to “get things even in his own mind,” but then, inevitably, if i try to reach out to him in any way, he’ll blow up and say the most terrible things to me. Two days ago, he told me by email that I’m 100% egocentric and hadn’t paid attention to his needs. I called him to discuss it but he wouldn’t discuss my call. I texted him and asked if we could talk and he said “NOT INTERESTED ANYMORE.” He then emailed me the most horrible attacks, saying, for example, that I needed to learn from this experience because no guy ways someone like me– feminist, who’s smart, needy, and selfish, “ALL MAJOR NEGATIVES’. When I emailed him back asking why he’d try to make me feel like total shit, he said “YOU DESERVE IT.” He had done something similar the week, when he took umbrage to something I wrote in an email to him. He attacked me saying, “Oh, so I’m the asshole? I was starting to feel good about you. But then you had to open your big mouth. Screw you.” But now I’m getting email from him, expressing no real remorse, but saying I love you, but I don’t have time to think about you right now, I have genuine emergencies, but I’ll get back to you later.
    This roller coaster ride has been the most confusing, difficult romantic experience of my life. Even the breakup of my 16 year marriage was nothing like this. His constant vacillation between adoration and accusations, push pull, have drained me and made me obsessed with him even though i feel like a dark shadow of the beautiful, calm, confident person I once was. From the reading I’ve done, i can’t tell if he’s a narcissist or not. Help.

    1. Its time to move on and open yourself up to receive true peace and happiness in your life. It will happen only when you are ready to move forward and stop taking the abuse. Once I truly let go and truly forgave everything that he did is when I found peace and happiness in my life. ; )

  73. Annette, let me tell u I have been where u are. Beyond rock bottom. The “man” I was with left me emotionally empty to the point I did not know who I was..but the more I read on these types of people, the more I realised they are the ones with issue not us. The only thing we are guilty of is being genuine. What u are going thro u will get thro. I was almost if not to the point of suicide..but it’s what these people do, they go around draining souls..they are master manipulators. U must give urself time and something very very important, is that u must cut communication with him. Doing this helps to give distance so u can see things clearly and think clearly without his distraction. I used to read articles by people with tears in my eyes never believing when they said I would be ok. And u know, am better than ok now but it took a lot of crying, askin why and sleepless nights..But when he contacts me now I show him no mercy in my responeses as opposed to one time being “grateful” he was thinking about me to call me when in reality he was just checking to see if i would still come running..he got a rude awakening. But he keeps trying because it’s all about always will be in their mind…Annette, keep reading the articles about these types of people, I promise it will be an eye opener. Give urself time, and u like me will be ok altho I know it does not feel that way now..Am on the other side because someone who’d been thro it told me, and now I am telling u with an extended hand and heart, u will be ok…

    1. T, It is true, we will all be ok again. and our hearts will heal and we will take these cruel lessons we have learned and like me pass it on. pay if forward and let others know like us that its ok and you will love again in time. The best advice i was giving a simple as it sounds is to forgive and move forward with an open heart. I can’t tell you how hard that was for me but, when i did finally let go I had peace in my head and in my heart….and the nightmares finally stopped. t
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us 😉

      1. believe me i will always pay it forward and help others dealing with the same thing…because i remember the feeling of utter confusion of how this person ,” the love of my life”, who showered me with love could change into a different person over night. it took me so long to come to terms that everything he did was a lie. to me at the time, it was impossible for someone to “love me” the way he did and it not be true….it’s a feeling that cannot be described, it’s almost like a twight light zone moment…and u gotta go through it to understand. i never knew these kind of people existed. i mean i knew that narcississts where soley about themselves, but not to this extent….altho i am over my last relationship i still remember the godless, black feeling of helplessness, confusion, hurt, despair and madness i felt. i remember tryin so hard to try and please him more, to fix things..(not realising i was dehumanzing myself) and i would not wish that on anyone else. i remember the feeling of it was my fault for not adding up…( lol lol i can laugh at that now) when i see someone else hurting like that, i am compelled to reach out…and acutally ur page was one of the final nails in the coffin of my wake up call..i came back and read it over and over and over till it sank in. and i keep it book marked to this day. i don’t know if i ever said thank u but let me say it in a big way THHHAAANKKKK UUUUUUUU! 🙂

    2. Your words are helping me right now. 22yrs and was to close on a house this week. He leaves me and my 13yr old for a younger prey. I will be ok. I will be ok.

    3. Thank you for your insight. I am attempting no contact with my narcissist. I love him painfully & deeply. He has been keeping me dangling on a string with a hook through my heart, even though he already has a new girlfriend. She looks to be the same age as my stepdaughter, about 24. I’m 43, so of course this makes me feel ridiculously undesirable. I can now see him for the narcissist that he is, but I can’t turn off the grip he has on my heart, even though I know I mean nothing to him. His interest in me goes about as far as my usefulness. I also have suicidal thoughts sometimes. Just passing thoughts of wishing I’d drop dead to end the pain. I wouldn’t actually go that far. I have children that need me, but that is how bad the emotional pain gets. Thank you for your words, & the hope that I’ll come out of the darkness OK on the other side of the tunnel.

  74. I’m am blessed I have been picked up by God from that mess of a narcissist. He was hell himself. And they never change… seek no help. I’m glad that I sought out self help books on narcissism. Though it took me years to ration it was that Mental Disorder. So creepy now to me. I used to be in love and even parts of my heart still loves him….but he is a sick I’ll person whose lies seem real.

    1. Dont love any part of him he is a fraud a human cockroach, Just be glad he is gone. Once you realize every moment you spent with him was a waste of your time you wont look back.

  75. i have just been through the same thing. i have spent the last year and a half with this person always wondering why i constantly had to second guess everything he did or said. i knew in my heart that it was wrong and that i was not the crazy one. he really had me going there for awhile and i constantly would end it with him, but the next day, there i was agreeing to give it another try. i would “rescue” him from situations even though i knew he was just trying to manipulate me. the list of things that i swore i would never let a guy get away with continued to grow along with the lies i had to come up with to my friends and family. i knew they would be so ashamed of me for letting myself remain in such a relationship. i knew i deserved better, but i kept telling myself that deep down he was really a good person with a big heart. he would actually take things i admitted to liking about him, and purposely withhold them from me or make me earn them. i somehow let myself do it, even knowing every moment it was wrong. then after he had pretty much taken everything i had left to take (not give), and i was of no use to him, he destroyed my only car, then never looked back. any other time, he was always calling me to work it out, but this time, he met someone else to take care of his needs and realized that there was nothing left of me, thats when he “decided to respect my wishes to stay away” i have been a complete mess and confused to what just happened for the last week. not only did i lose all my possessions, my self respect, my sense of self, my ability to make any decisions without doubt or fear of judgement or criticism, but he made it look like i was the one with the issues and that he left me. i almost was at the point of asking him what i did to deserve this and why he isnt answering my calls. It really hurts my heart right now, but i am going to just consider myself very fortunate to have gotten out with just the bruises. i couldve had a family or many years invested in this person. one thing i do admit he was right about, being with him would teach me a lot of things i needed to learn if i ever want to be happy. i will never forget this “lesson” he taught me.

    1. This is exactly one of the most typical symptoms for this PD. They will disguise insults in the form of “teaching” you an important lesson because they are so entitled to do so. At the same time he “projected” his short comings onto you again, of course.
      I have been living with a man with this PD for 27 years. His final step in my D&D was to beat me to the point that I had to call 911. Perhaps because he was on such a high functioning level and because I supported him to get there, 257K household income, I tolerated it for so long. Needless to say I was to blame that our marriage fell apart.
      Now that I am removed from this relationship it all makes sense looking back. At this point I am glad to just be alive. The Classic emotional devastation and financial demise followed. My two boys 19 & 13 are very much affected by it too. Their dad brainwashes them now that I am the crazy one…….and I was a very depressed and alcoholic empty shell towards the end.
      It is such an amazingly consistent pattern of destruction that we all went through falling for a person with this mental disfunction. Once we are healing from this hellish experience our biggest source of comfort should be: “I am finally free to be my happy old self again and live in peace”. 😉

      1. …….and oh I almost forgot… may have noticed that I did not make any reference to any of his selfish, heartless and hurtful actions and insults that he inflicted upon me over time……while I was starving for his validation and love. They were variations to the theme of what everyone else on this forum here experienced.
        Yes we had great times in between and I cherish those. Otherwise the few times he comes to my mind now I almost always find myself chuckling and shaking my head. I do not even have pity for him anymore since I came to grips with the fact that I never mattered to him other than a mean to his ends. He now does not matter to me anymore at all either. The only regrets I have is that I spent so many years of my life on a relationship with nothing to show for. Don’t make this mistake!!!!!!
        Btw, he left me only 9 weeks ago on 10/20/2013 😉 😉 😉

      2. Dear Alive Again,
        I not only love your name “Alive Again,” but I also love your comments!
        You were so right about learning the narcissistic patterns & traits & I am so glad you were strong enough to leave your narcissist!
        My husband of 14 years turned out to be a narcissist & he abused & manipulated me in many ways, without my knowledge, because I am a normal, healthy human being & I did not know that people would purposely act this way.
        Now, we are going through the divorce process & he has accused me of being the problem, being a liar, & being “crazy” when he physically assaulted me & then lied to everyone, including my 3 children, about it!
        I am very afraid of losing my children. He has already gotten to them & has been brainwashing them as well. He is also going to have my 2 older children (18 & 15) be his witnesses in our divorce trial. 😢
        I have learned that I cannot control him or anyone else who chooses to believe him. I am putting my faith in God & I am hoping God will use me as an instrument of peace & help me live according to His will, even if I lose my children.
        This is the hardest thing I have had to experience & my life has not been an easy one, so please know I understand what you are going through & that you are not alone!!
        I wish you much peace, love, & strength as you continue forward on your personal journey!!

  76. Very sad and hurtful to say that this just happened to me. I want to understand it and grasp it, but it is very hard and painful. Every single item seemed like it was about the Narcissistic I was dating for almost 4 years and was the step-father of my girl. He painted the most beautiful future together, “loved” my daughter and all to find out that it was all a lie. Although I am very aware of the condition, it is a different story to live through this situation and had been the one who lost all. And when I say all, it means ALL. I helped to get a vehicle, credit cards, apartment etc., and now I am left with only pain and confusion. I know I will get through this, and it was extremely helpful to find this information to come to the realization that he will never change and there is no future. Thank you for the information and wish all of the women that have had the misfortune of dating or marrying these kinds of nonhuman individuals. May we all find strength among all this traumatic situations and hope to never fall prey again

    1. Dear Devastated Self,
      I completely understand what you, & others who have commented here, are going through!
      My husband of 14 years abused me in every way possible, without my knowledge, because I did not know anything about narcissistic or sociopathic people.
      I helped him emotionally, I was faithful to him, I worked, put myself through college, kept a clean home, raised my 3 children, & did all of the mandatory volunteer work at my children’s schools. I even helped my husband become a legal permanent resident of the U.S. with the false hope of thinking everything would improve if/when he would obtain a legalized status here. Unfortunately, I had no idea what he was doing or planning.
      After he received his permanent residency from our government, he physically assaulted me, filed for divorce from me & has lied to everyone about it, calling me a liar & trying to convince everyone he knows that I am “crazy.”
      Our divorce is not yet finalized, so his final part of his plan to destroy me is to hurt me through my children & use them as witnesses, on his behalf, in our divorce trial. This makes me feel awful, especially since I now have knowledge of narcissists & what they do. However, I cannot control him or the people who choose to believe him, including my own children. 😦
      After everything he has put me through, I feel like my story with him should be turned into a “Lifetime movie.” However, I know my life will be a hell of a lot better without him!!
      I wish you & anyone else who has been affected by a narcissist or a sociopath lots of love, strength, healing, & knowledge for a much better future!!

  77. WOW thank you soo very much. You simply confirmed what I did was BANG ON!!! I dumped his ass and ran for the hills.

  78. I was dumped by a man who is everything you have said. I didn’t see it coming and was devastated. They do make “future plans”, which they do to give you a sense of security. We were together for 2 years. It has been 5 weeks and I still stuggle with the fact that I loved someone who never loved me. They are great actors. Mine has been trying to keep in contact with me and I just don’t respond. He is left wondering where the doormat went! he still has things at my home that he hasn’t gotten and I think it is to have control and a reason to contact me. I have learned things about him, before we met, that make my skin crawl. I don’t ever want to see him again and hope he can just leave me alone. I am tired of feeling sad, old and discarded.

  79. This man you described is exactly what I have just been through the last 8 months. The first 5 months were amazing and u fell in love with him quickly. Then one day he changed completely. More sickeningly he fabricated a story about having cancer and let me believe that. Then I found out it was all lies and had already moved on to his next poor “victim”! He totally mentally and emotionally abused me but thank god it only lasted 8 months! Now I know what he really is I can start to heal myself somehow. The worst thing is he list his wife to cancer who he was with for 16 years so either he was a menace and cheat to her or it was her death that “turned” him. The signs were definitely there but I believed his cancer story so tolerated the abuse because I thought he was ill. Well he is ill, sick in the head. Lets just hope we don’t let these vile creatures destroy us!

  80. All I can say is “WOW”!! You are right on point about those monsters. I believe they are the “Devil” himself, how can a normal human being be so “Evil”? You better Run like hell and don’t look back…somehow you have been blessed that “God” removed such a energy sucking “Vampire” out of your life! Don’t feel hurt, be thankful he out of your life! You’ve been given a second chance so live your “Life” to the fullest and ask “God” to remove any thoughts of “Satan” from your mind….”God” bless all who have dealt with a “Monster”!! (Narcissist) As Oprah said…when someone have talked negative about you, you prove them wrong by succeeding in “Life”, see, you did what he couldn’t do…. ;-))

  81. Thank you for the post, your’s is an opener of my eyes, I’m very confused with my marriage and couldn’t stop blaming my self why I couldn’t stand to keep my marriage. I’ve been separated from my husband since this January, I married him on 5/6/2012. I realized now that my husband and his family are narcissists. After I got married, one day later i lived with them for a few months, that’s where I realized that they are not normal people. His mother was accusing me of negative thinkers, post-power syndrome, wedding blues, and i should mothering my husband. His father is also a crazy man, he controlled our marriage and our future, he dictated me to be a housewife, to have four kids, and to take care of the house that they’ve given to us (which we had no control of it). My husband is passive, he didn’t protect me and prefer to protect himself by defensively telling my parents that I degraded him as a husband. Last October I got a miscarriage, due to their lack of empathy and they blame me, because the cause of it was because of my negative thoughts and I didn’t fulfill their demands. For them miscarriage is nothing. Now i got fed up so I ask my husband I can live with my parents so they can supervised me. I was almost becoming crazy. And he just left me with my parents, and he did nothing to keep his marriage. BTW before we got married, I forgive his affair, he promised he will be better man and will protect his family from his parents control. However, in reality he did nothing and denied that he ever said that to me, he even said that I got depressed because I’m crazy and he and his family had nothing to do with it. Now they want me to file for divorce!

  82. So incisive thanks! slowly it has dawned on me that the man I was loving was indeed a narcissist. I couldn’t understand why I had become obsessed by him? Why because I was loving a void with no resolve, no background, middle or foreground to relate to, emptiness was my mate. With me forever developing strategies to build a life! Incredible no one there in my world. I found this the other day by Ken Wilber (abrev.) it may help, “The self because it has not fully differentiated itself from the world, (lack of, or too much mother in the early stages of developing 1 -6 yrs approx.), treats his world like its oyster and people as mere extensions of itself. Completely self-centered since self and world are the same within a self sealed dome of reflection.
    Sisters: take heed!
    Beware the overly attractive charms of (usually), a loud man.

  83. all i can say is wow, cuz word for word this is exactly what happened to me. i could not figure out what was wrong with this man who claimed he loved me like no other, then changed like night to day..i stumbled on narcissism and it was like reading this man’s life…this is the most painful thing i haver ever been through

      1. I really hope I feel the same one day. Is been almost a year since he left me and I feel like he’s taken everything from me. I don’t even recognise myself. He still contacts me which just prolongs the agony, but all of the above applies. How do you find yourself again? I have little desire or motivation to do anything any more. He’s destroyed me completely. I hope one day I just feel embarrassment at the mention of his name instead of this dull pain in my otherwise numb heart. Sorry to sound so emo, but it’s given me hope that I’ll be ok again one day.

      2. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. What I can tell you is what we feel is different because the way they loved us is like no other it was so fierce, But it is when you realize that it was all fake and an act, that this is not real love… that is when the healing begins. Real love is honest and true and patient, respectful and caring.

    1. That is also EXACTLY, Word-for-word, what happened to ME as well!!!! I couldn’t have said it better. My situation was IDENTICAL. I’m starting to accept it more that the whole relationship was fake. But it’s REALLY difficult because although I had had other relationships before this one, I believed this person was the closest person to me ever, and my “soulmate”. I never believed in those things until him, so it’s very hard to accept that the depth of my feelings wasn’t reciprocated by him (although he led me to believe his feelings were real). I cried every night over him for a year, and did 6 months of counseling, and I’m back to functional again, to the point where I can go out on dates with other people happily, but I don’t think I will ever completely be over that relationship or be over the experience/trauma of realizing that someone I loved so much was a fake. The betrayal is indescribably painful and hard to comprehend.

  84. Great post! It always amaze me how people can take time to write them. But to be honest maybe you should change the color of the texts? Sorry if I am being rude, just trying to help. Kind regards, Sophia

    1. The color of the print is black… I see nothing wrong with it…it’s seems the narcissist rubbed off on you…what was written by this woman is very helpful…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s