Soul Mates…past lives…and moving on

 I read 2 books this week about past lives and soul mate connections.  “Many Lives Many Masters & Only Love Is Real” by Brian Weiss .

Both are about past lives and how we immediately recognize our soul mates when we meet them. We have many soul connections. Parents, siblings, friends, children and lovers . We travel in the same soul groups and meet over and over throughout our journey, constantly learning new lessons from our soul connections.  It made me think about a lot of things.  My marriage for one and why I never felt that connection to my husband after 15 yrs even though I loved him. It was different. Or the way I loved my father we definitely had past lives together. I believe he was my dad before maybe my brother and in one life definitely my mother . I can’t wait to see you again daddy on the other side and in another life.  My parents true love soul mates and they will be together again this I know.

We meet different people everyday and sometimes we meet the ones that we feel like we have known our whole lives . We have that feeling immediately . These are our soul connections. We are kindred spirits and we will meet again over and over.

This brings me to the only time I ever felt what I call ” love at first sight”.  When I met my ex. The minuet I saw him it was like somebody snapped their fingers in my face and said wakeup.  I felt something I never felt before. The reason this is so odd for me is because for one, I never ever have been that drawn to anyone I just met and two, he felt it too he told me. And three, I would never go for someone like him he was way younger than me. But we fell in love even though we both fought it at first, me more than him. It had to happen. I believe this now.  For some reason there were lessons I or we needed to learn. We always felt a deep connection to each other and we knew it. But he was so young 14 years younger than me that I felt guilt sometimes. However, I never have been loved so deeply or loved someone so deeply. When it ended I was left devastated. But I think if we were the same age the devastation would have been lesser for me .  For some reason I was supposed to look younger to attract him, I think, and we were suppose to fall in love which we did. And we lived together 2 years and then broke up. The years we spent together and the year and half since we broke up have completely change me as a person changed the way I feel about love and life. I realize he made me love on a  level I never experienced . I don’t know if  it was the same for him because of the age difference but I hope it was. We took that picture the night we met with my phone. We would break up shortly after that for 2 weeks . When I go to his place to bring him some things he left at my house and say goodbye “it was a pleasure meeting and knowing you but you should date someone you’re own age”. I will never forget the way he grabbed me and hugged me and said “I can’t explain it I feel like I am making a mistake”. I did too, but I said no this is the right thing. Then when I left I started crying as soon as I got in my car, so unlike me I couldn’t explain it we only dated a month at that time. So not like me.  We ended up back together in 2 weeks because of him pursuing me. We lived together for 2 years.

Excerpt from the book: “Only Love is Real.”

Sometimes your soulmate is willing and available.

He or she might recognize the passion and the

chemistry between you, the intimate and subtle bonds

that imply connections over many lifetimes. Yet he or she

may be toxic for you. It is a matter of soul development.

}If one soul is less developed and more ignorant than

the other, traits of violence, greed, jealousy, hatred, and

fear might be brought into the relationship. These

tendencies are toxic to the more evolved soul, even if

from a soulmate. Frequently rescue fantasies arise with

the thought, I can change him; I can help her grow. If he

does not allow your help, if in her free will she chooses

not to learn, not to grow, the relationship is doomed.

Perhaps there will be another chance in another lifetime,

unless he awakens later in this one. Late awakenings do

happen.

Sometimes soulmates decide not to get married

while incarnated. They arrange to meet, to stay together

until the agreed upon task is completed, and then to

move on. Their agendas, their lesson plans for the

entirety of this life, are different, and they do not want to

or need to spend all of this lifetime together. This is not a

tragedy, only a matter of learning. You have eternal life

together, but sometimes you may need to take separate

classes.

A soulmate who is available but unawakened is a

tragic figure and can cause you great anguish.

Unawakened means that he or she does not see life

clearly, is not aware of the many levels of existence.

Unawakened means not knowing about souls. Usually it

is the everyday mind that prevents awakening.

}We hear the excuses of the mind all the time: I’m too

young; I need more experience; I’m not ready to settle

down yet; you are of a different religion (or race, region, social status, intellectual level, cultural background, and so on). These are all excuses, for souls possess none of these attributes.

The person may recognize the chemistry. The attraction is definitely there, but the source of the chemistry is not understood. It is delusional to believe that this passion, this soul recognition and attraction, will

be easily found again with another person. You do not run into such a soul mate every day, perhaps only one or two more in a lifetime. Divine grace may reward a good heart, a loving soul.Never worry about meeting soul mates. Such meetings are a matter of destiny. They will occur. After the meeting, the free will of both partners reigns. What decisions are made or not made are a matter of freewill, of choice. The less awakened will make decisions based on the mind and all of its fears and prejudices.Unfortunately, this often leads to heartache. The more awakened the couple is, the more the likelihood of a decision based on love. When both partners are awakened, ecstasy is within their grasp.

I write a lot about him and what he did to me in the end. Will we meet again?  I think so and maybe next time I will know instinctively or somehow just know not to get involved with him . However, I need to forgive in this life first and that I am coming to terms with little by little.

He brought out the best and the worst in me. He made me feel the deepest love I have ever felt and hate for the first time in my life.I am still trying to decide what lesson or lessons I was supposed to learn from him. He couldn’t let me go as much as I couldn’t let him go .  I loved and hated him at the same time. I hope I never see him again. It would be too painful. We only live 30mins apart. I don’t look for him or check his fb page because I don’t want to know . But I think this is for the best because I do not want to ever see him again. He did love me deeply, yes he did. He also hurt me deeply and lied and was deceitful. All bad things so could he really be a soul mate?  Why do we have great chemistry with one or maybe two relationships in our lifetimes and almost no real chemistry with most of them? Is this what soul mates mean?  It’s not about being the best looking he certainly was not the best looking guy I have ever been with or the richest. It’s a feeling I just can’t explain. As much as I was drawn to him. There was always a feeling that something was not right. I always blamed it on age, but I know now that wasn’t the only thing. It was what is inside of him something that was not true and real. Was he just an undeveloped soul like the book said ?  Were we both? Or was he just a very good actor who used me for his own advantage a sociopath. That is what  my head tells me. My heart wants to believe differently.

I hope there is another soul mate in this lifetime for me because this can’t be it,  he can’t be it for me. Is this karma from something I did in a past life. Or just a lesson I needed to learn? Only time will tell,but can you ever truly in your heart move on from a true soul mate?

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Love advice I would give to my own daughter!

“A man will treat you the way you allow him too. ” my favorite saying.

Why men love bitches” (from doormat to dream-girl) by Shery Argov.

 It’s not about being a bitch per sei, but to be aware of male behavior,

being assertive, protect yourself, not be gullible and never let
men take advantage of you, jump through hoops, or overcompensate, because of insecurity, or low self-esteem. You see, being needy, or desperate is a turn-off for men and they can smell it on
you. The minute a guy can tell that he’s got you, he tends to lose interest.
The bitch is smart & keeps him on his toes. She’s unpredictable
and plays by her own rules. She doesn’t sacrifices her life, her
hobbies, friends and interests. She stays true to who she is, with
or without a man. She doesn’t need a man to be happy.
Men love women who are independent , with her interests, her
own life, which puts less pressure on him.
The difference between a bitch & a doormat, is that the bitch does
not put up with bad behavior & demands respect, with her actions,
while the doormat bends over backwards to accommodate a man.
The result is that he will take her for granted.
For example:
If the bitch is with a guy who is in a bad mood, or he misbehaves…
then she will cut the date short, with a polite excuse as “let’s call
it a night” to teach him she won’t tolerate anything less than a
good time. The doormat however, will do anything to cheer him
up and will  jump through hoops to do so. If he asks her to drive
to his place, bring him things, cook for him, she will comply.
If a date is late, the doormat will wait, while the bitch leaves after
20 minutes. Her time is valuable and she’s got a life.
The doormat is always available & accepts last-minute dates, while
the bitch waits for no one and  is often too busy with her own life,
which makes her a challenge and something to be conquered.
When it comes to sex… the doormat is an easy lay, since she’s
so desperate to have a man & doesn’t trust that she can hold his
interest. The bitch is confidant, knowing she has plenty to offer
outside of the boudoir. She lets him wait, which makes her more
alluring and less predictable.
Who do you think a man will respect more?
Women must learn not to reward a man for bad behavior.
Don’t do things he can do for himself like laundry, or cleaning
Don’t pay for a man ( his rent, clothes, bills, etc. )
Don’t be gullible and believe everything he says.
Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve
Don’t be”too available”
Don’t drop your plans, or friends, when a guy calls
Don’t have sex “too soon” ( 3-5 dates )
Don’t drive to his place to pick him up for a date
Don’t accept “last-minute” dates
Don’t tolerate bad behavior
Don’t chase a man
Do’s:
Be your own person
Listen and look out for red flags
Keep your friends and interests
Be slightly unpredictable
Keep busy with your own life
Be assertive about what you want ( or don’t want )
Stay just outside of his reach, so he won’t take you for granted
Be wary of the guy who talks too much, makes promises right
off the bat and speaks about the future. Major red flag!
The ideal date ( = mate ) both speaks and listens equally. He is
focused on you and asks questions about you, showing interest
in who you are.
Pay close attention to “his pattern” of conduct. Is he consistent
( calles every 2-3 days? ) or does he “blow hot and cold” ( coming
on strong & then pulling back and disappearing for a week or more?)
Watch his body language when you ask him questions. Does he
answer spontaneously, look you in the eye, or is he evasive, stalls
and fidgets? Make sure to ask important questions in person to be 
able to observe him and his reaction.
Et voila ladies. Be smart with your heart and think long-term
gratification. Easy come, easy go! Respect is earned, not given,
so learn to take it slow, with a new man and judge by the way he
treats you and the people around you, not his words, or promises.
And the saying is true, if he is into you nothing will keep him away. Trust.

Interview With Sandra Brown, Author Of ‘Women Who Love Psycopaths’ And ‘How To Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved’

book cover

Many people wake up one day, and find that  life isn’t at all what they imagined it to be. The relationship they are in is probably the worst nightmare they could possible imagine – but still, they stick it out, making excuses for their partners outrageous behaviors, hoping that from tomorrow it will be different, but it never is.

 

I asked Sandra L. Brown, M.A., CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education, who is a specialist psychopathology, if she would answer some of my questions on the subject, to which she agreed. If anything here rings true to your own relationship or a relationship of a loved one, or if you would like to educate yourself further on the issue, please check out The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education.

RT: You are the founder of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction &   Public Pathology Education. Could you tell us a little about the institute and how it came to be?

SB: We are part of everything we experience. The years of being exposed to pathology as a child had a big impact on me. I was learning about psychopathology without ever realizing it. It was creating my career. My father was narcissistic; other more distant family members were also pathological. My mother divorced my father. He was later murdered by a Psychopath. My mother remarried a charming man who turned out to be highly sociopathic.

I became involved in victims rights after my fathers murder. I went on to college and got a master degree in counseling and started my specialty focus in cluster B personality disorder. For the first 10+ years I worked in trying to treat cluster B disorders. Treatment outcomes are laborious and part of the disorder is that it does not sustain positive change. (outside of consistent therapy). I also began to run support groups for the partners of cluster B’s and the children of cluster B’s. It was then I became interested in helping not only family to understand what cluster B disorders are, but helping others to identify them to avoid the inevitable harm that happens from trying to create emotional intimacy with these types of disorders. Today, the institute is one of the leading experts regarding the relational harm produced in these relationships. Our work has been called ‘pioneering’ and we provide the widest range of services for the children of and partners of cluster B’s. We also provide professional training for mental health providers, the legal system, domestic violence agencies and other first line responders who are likely to encounter cluster B’s or their partners.

RT: Why do you think Public Pathology Education is so crucial?

SB: I created the term ‘Relationships of Inevitable Harm’ because there are no happily ever after in these relationships. People who have this level of pathology have not only unsuccessful relationships; they have destructive, dangerous and damaging relationships. Partners, who have far less pathology than the Cluster B, are always always always negatively impacted by exposure to that much pathology. In fact, over 50% of the partners (even without the experience of violence in the relationship) will come out of the relationship with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

Pathology is the single most negative impact on society. Who stalks? Who abducts children? Who perpetrates parental alienation? Who creates high conflict divorces? Who has repeating patterns of domestic violence? Who has pathological lying and conning? We are almost always talking about cluster B disorders when we are talking about the most egregious behaviors. But they are often also the most successful, charming and un-detectable. Dr. Robert Hare, the Worlds leading expert on the worst of the cluster B’s, the psychopath, calls them ‘Snakes in Suits’. The lack of public pathology education means people have no way of identifying them before getting into relationships. Successful female attorneys, doctors, nurses, teachers, social workers, pilots, and accountants… have all been reduced to impaired status and put on disability to recover from these relationships. If that was a medical disorder they had to recover from, there would be a foundation and there would be a billboard campaign across this country. But it destroys people and no one has championed the cause.

RT: By your own calculations, over 60 million people are affected to some degree or other by other people’s pathologies in the United States alone. Anything from being murdered to abused, to having your   kids harmed, your bank account drained, or your things stolen. You   also say that most of the pathological s are untreatable. It’s not  as if you can send them to therapy and they will be cured. What do you think should be done with pathological, and if they can’t help the way they are how can they be held accountable for their actions?

SB: Is Alcatraz still for sale? That was one idea. Since it is not a crime to be a pathological, it’s only the behaviors that are caught that might be a crime; the best way of helping to deal with the issue of pathology is in prevention. While schools are teaching about bullying in middle school, we could be teaching how to identify the worst forms of pathology. Who do with think Bullies are? Cluster B’s bully.  We are using the wrong language in what we are teaching about dating violence, stalking and bullying. We need to add the dimension of ‘Who Does That?’ if we only look at the behavior and we don’t look at the mental health of the person we will never connect the dots.

These people are not insane. They know right from wrong and pick wrong because it’s more powerful, effective and enjoyable. They are responsible for their actions. But I think understanding the permanence of the cluster B disorders helps the hopeful victim to understand ‘What you see is what you get’ and move on.  We have had more success in teaching victims the neuroscience of the cluster B brain than domestic violence shelters have in teaching the ancient power and control wheel.

RT: Briefly, how would you define a pathological?

SB: The cluster B personality disorders: histrionic personality disorders, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, anti social personality disorder and in addition sociopaths and psychopaths.

All of these have the basic inability to grow to any authentic emotional spiritual depth, and inability to sustain positive change, outside of ongoing therapy which no one is going to consent to, and the inability to develop insight into how their behavior affects others. With these inabilities is coupled a reduced empathy, and for some no conscience and remorse. Also, part of the hard-wiring is an impulse control problem which is why these are the people sent to Anger management, batterer intervention, etc.

RT: Most people would immediately think of sociopaths and psychopaths at  the mention of psychopathology. Sociopaths and psychopaths might be the most dangerous of all pathological s, since they totally lack a conscience or any social skills and are not likely to grow one any time soon. What are the other kinds of personality disorders that are pathological?

SB: They represent the far end of the spectrum with almost no conscience, empathy or remorse. But the other end of the spectrum, those with borderline, narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders, presents problems too. Their reduced empathy is enough to harm others. Their impulse control problems make them violently risky. Their hard-wiring of not learning from experiences means the behavior doesn’t change while the victim keeps hoping for change. To see the neuroscience behind these disorders is to understand these are serious disorders that even therapy or medication are not going to control completely .

RT: Can a person have several of these pathologies? For example, could they be both borderline and narcissistic? Does the exact diagnosis make a difference to the people whose lives they will touch?

SB: These are considered cluster disorders so most of them have more than one disorder, which is why the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition) clustered them together. You get overlap. That is why you always see reduced empathy for instance in narcissists but also in antisocial. They all have impulse control problems, etc. Because they share similarities in behaviors across the disorders, they will often meet criteria for more than one disorder within the cluster. But in addition to that, most of them will also have mood disorders and often addictions. So when you write a list of their probable DSM diagnosis, it is quite complex.

RT: What is it about pathalogicals that makes other people get romantically involved with them? If you meet them on paper, like in this interview, they sound like no one you would want to go near,   yet a lot of people find themselves deeply immersed in relationships with pathalogicals. How do you explain this?

SB: Pathology emerges in childhood. They often become aware of their differences. They don’t feel like other people so they don’t behave like other people. The desire not to be targeted for their differences encourages their adaptability as children. They are human psychologists and study others so to mimic and parrot. While they do not have adequate empathy, they have learned if someone cries, pat their hand or make their face look a certain way. They must over compensate for areas people would notice so they often become quite engaging, charming, or just outright liars, in order to appeal to others. They are often successful and bright. They have been compensating since childhood, so by the time they are 30 they have had a lot of years to improve their approach.

RT: Am I correct in saying that one of the most common personality disorders and maybe the hardest to recognize would be borderline?

SB: We know and identify more BPD than some of the other disorders. BPD is often more recognizable early on because of the anger, impulsiveness and overt out of control behavior. But that does not mean it is the most predominant. Because sociopaths and psychopaths hide well behind successful careers, they are often unidentified. 1 in 25 people have no conscience which has a lot of overlap with sociopaths and psychopaths. So I think we aren’t identifying those who hide well.

RT: What is borderline personality disorder and how does it affect relationships?

SB: Everything I mentioned above: impulsiveness, chronic anger, emptiness, neediness, low empathy. You can’t build a relationship on that.

RT: Say you meet a nice, charming guy (or girl). Is there any way you can tell right of the bat that this is a person you should stay away from?

SB: Women should do background checks. In my  book “How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved” is a red flags dating list of behaviors that could be a clue. Women should also date slowly and believe what others tell her. So many women were clued in by other women and thought it was jealousy when they were actually being warned. Women need to get more mature about accepting info, and stop carrying the mentality of a high school girl when others are trying to give life saving info.

RT: Not everyone who is a bit off beat, strange, or even violent or addicted is pathological. How do you tell the difference between   those who are pathological – and no amount of treatment will be able   to help them, and those who are not pathological, and with the right   counseling could be helped?

SB: You probably can’t. If someone is a ‘counseling project’ from the get-go, why in the world would you want to date them? Don’t start with someone who needs a mental health tune up. You are not in a relationship to fix someone. Women with lots of empathy need to find a place to exercise that, like at the homeless shelter or animal shelter, not in their personal relationships. They begin with the belief ‘everyone has something’ and take in people who are in need of help. She won’t be able to tell the difference between pathology and just help, and then she’s in the relationship and it turns out to be pathological. If someone needs mental health help, tell them to go and get it and come back when they can present their most healthy self for a relationship.

RT: We know that pathologicals come from all walks of life. They can be rich or poor common workers or white collar professionals. How about the women (and men) they get romantically involved with? Are there any common denominators among them or could this literally happen to anyone?

SB: We found a lot of common elements related to women who get in relationships with Cluster B men. Many of the elements did not fit the stereotypical ‘victim profile’ traits. The research was done testing temperament traits for unusual elevations, which is exactly what we found.  Off-the-richter-scale type elevations in some major areas that contribute to not only why they are attracted to, but tolerant of, the most dangerous persons. Some of the heightened traits included hyper empathy, tolerance, attachment, trust and loyalty. Half of the book Women Who Love Psychopaths covers the women’s traits and the amazing similarities among those who get involved with Cluster Bs.

RT: Romantic Relationships with pathological are particularly hard to leave. In a way, this defies logic because they are also absolutely terrible to be part of. Could you explain why it is so hard to leave such a relationship?

SB: Fear creates trauma bonding which increases the sensation of attachment. The longer the fear, the deeper the attachment.

RT: Obviously being in a relationship with a pathological has a lot of  fallout and long term effects on the other person. Could you share with us some of the things a victim of a pathological relationship would have to deal with?

SB: Depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, loss of a job, productivity, chronic time in court, inability to sleep and function.

RT: What are the obstacles a victim would face when trying to leave a relationship like this?

SB: The pathalogicals are the people with the worst control issues and impulse control problems, which are a deadly combination. Abuse, stalking, child abduction, 60 times in court, broken restraining orders,these are the things a victim could expect.  Victims need a safety plan made with a professional. This needs to be planned ahead of time.  You can find out more about this here.

RT: What help is available to them and how would   they go about getting it?

SB: The institute offers books, products, safety planning sessions, phone sessions retreats and referrals to therapists.

How falling in love with a narcissist has changed me forever.

Breaking up with a histrionic or narcissist? Be prepared for the battle of your life! While you are an emotional basket case, he is as Cold as Ice! While you are left holding down the fort and dealing with the real-life responsibilities, he walks away from everything leaving you to mop off his stage and pay his bills. He will punish you in ways you couldn’t possibly have ever imagined… …. and not even acknowledge it to himself! Why? Because he’s off charming the socks off of new women as if your years together didn’t even exist! And to him they didn’t! The narcissist has a ‘counterfeit heart’!

Narcissists tend to make very good first impressions on others. They are excellent actors and can fool almost anybody, even trained individuals. However, they have counterfeit hearts. Underneath their brilliant exterior lies a man that is self-centered and self-focused, dishonest, irresponsible, disloyal, and lacking emotions, remorse, and a conscience. These men live with a false sense of grandiosity and specialness and are easily found to be arrogant and deceitful. Underneath their fake exterior is an empty fraud who seemingly is lacking a human soul.

“Women know how to fake orgasm. Men know how to fake an entire relationship.” ~ Sharon Stone

Of course, you will never see this in the beginning of the relationship with a narcissistic man. Many women do not see any of these awful qualities until the relationship gets serious because both the narcissist and his prey tend to idolize people in the beginning of relationships.

And being idolized feels good – so good that we often willingly overlook the red flags.

Unfortunately, the narcissist is sociopathic in that they often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others (did you notice that [according to him] ALL his ‘exes’ were ‘psycho bitches’? THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAJOR RED FLAGS WAVING IN YOUR FACE FROM EVERYWHERE ON THAT ONE – BUT IT PROBABLY DIDN’T REALLY HIT YOU UNTIL ‘YOUR’ RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WAS OVER!!). (More on this later…)

See, narcissistic men haven’t the ability to see their own negative actions or the detrimental roles they play in their relationships with others. The narcissist is a deceptive man and the most common form of his deception is his own self-deception. He truly believes he is perfectly innocent of having committed any wrongdoing – ever.

He holds himself completely blameless for any part in the breakdown of your relationship (or ANY of his past relationships). Don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology from this man, or even an admittance on his part of being partially to blame – for anything. He believes he has done nothing wrong, as he is just so wonderful! (At least, in his own mind.)

The narcissist doesn’t care about your problems or your feelings. He has absolutely no regard or respect for anyone’s feelings; he is completely without empathy and is never above taking advantage of others for his own personal gain. He is constantly hungry for praise and he will go on a feeding frenzy for the adoration and admiration he desperately seeks with every individual he comes in contact with. He is a legend in his own mind, and deeply living in a fantasy world built on his own imagined self-importance.

“The narcissist can neither give nor receive love. He cannot empathize with the pain and suffering of others. Although he is often incredibly charming and draws many people into his ‘enchanted circle’, the narcissist is incapable of true intimacy. At the core of his life experience, the narcissist has emotionally and often financially harmed so many. He has treated others with cruelty, ruthlessness and indifference too many times. Ultimately, in the depth of his unconscious, he knows he is an empty fraud” ~Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.

Nothing can be more painful than breaking up with a histrionic narcissistic man. He will not take it kindly – not because he will grieve the loss of you (you mean nothingto this man) but simply because you will have embarrassed him. And damaging his ego is a totally unforgivable sin to the narcissist! I’m afraid you’re about to become his next victim, so be aware of his soon-to-come character assassin of you, your family, your friends, and even your children. (Narcissistic men [they all hold an actor’s award] will say just about anything about another in order to protect their perfect ‘image’.)

Whether or not this has happened to you, it is still a very painful realization when you come to discover that you meant absolutely nothing to someone you loved very much. The realization that this man never loved you(don’t delude yourself) hurts beyond compare. It is hard to understand that a histrionic narcissist loves only himself, and, if anything, considered you more a ‘love-rival’ than a ‘lover’.

He was with you for the ‘benefits’. His benefits could have been something as simple as getting his needy ego stroked, or being taken care of financially, or maybe it was something more, like status or opportunity – but whatever his benefits, being loved by you or being in an intimate relationship with you was not one of them. What I mean to say is ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ are not considered benefits to him!

You will find that you have changed during the course of the relationship with a narcissist. You will walk away completely far removed from the beautiful woman you were when you entered it. You may have gone from soft, sweet and feminine to hardened and bitter. From trusting, open and receptive to suspicious and untrusting. From self-assured and confident to being full of self-doubt and insecurities. It will take some hard work on your part to let this damaged part of you go and find your old self again.

A NARCISSIST HAS A CALLOUS DISREGARD – FOR YOU

For most of us breaking up with a narcissist can leave us feeling confused, devastated, and untrusting of all men in the future.

Usually, when a relationship ends both parties grieve some, both parties have regrets and both parties have done things that they feel remorseful for.

But not a narcissist! He walks away from you with a cold, callous disregard. He feels nothing.

A narcissist will avoid looking at you – even if you are sitting right in front of him. This is his way of ‘dismissing’ and ‘devaluing’ you. All narcissists do this and, of course, there is nothing about these actions that are normal, but your mind can’t conceive this and so it tries to understand. However, there is no making sense of the ‘senseless’.

A narcissist can turn from loving you to discarding you almost abruptly as it took for him to ‘idolize’ you after his first meeting you. Uh, what was that? About one date would you say?

“Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The narcissist idealizes and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealization. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue. This is THE core of pathological narcissism. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the “silent treatment”), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse. ” ~ by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

The narcissist has to be NUMBER ONE, the CENTER OF ATTENTION, THE BIG CHEESE, the MAIN ATTRACTION. If he is in a situation where he fears not getting the adulation that he feels he deserves, such as with your friends or co-workers, or even in a club that you frequent (translation: your territory), he will be extremely uncomfortable, either claiming a headache, feeling ‘bad vibes’ in the place, or simply getting angry. He may insult or dismiss everyone there as ‘substandard human beings’. A narcissist cannot share his limelight with anyone, not even his spouse.

It is especially hard to let go of a relationship breakdown when you can’t find any rhyme or reason to the way it all unfolded. We think that all people are good people and can’t understand how someone could so easily just dismiss us as if we never existed.

Truth is, you didn’t exist to the narcissist. He is so totally and completely self-centered to the point of his being the only person in his life – ever. You simply were a temporary ego-boost. A narcissist supplier (an enforcer and validation of his self-love). His mirror.

You were taken in by his phony charm simply because you trusted men. And now you are left with doubts, insecurities, questions, and extreme hurt that one you cared for could so easily ‘dismiss you’ and then walk away completely unmoved and untouched by the experience.

You want him to hurt, too. To show sorrow. To feel remorse.

So that you can feel important again. Like you mattered.

But you didn’t. And it has nothing to do with you. He simply is unable to care for anyone other than himself, no matter whom they are. And deep inside you know that you have just wasted years of your life on someone who is an empty fraud. It’s like you imagined everything; nothing was real. He was a masterful actor when he was getting his ego fed; but now that he is not getting his narcissistic supply from you anymore he simply – and completely – has totally erased you from his life. It is important to remember that narcissists are ‘plotters’ and he has been plotting the destruction of the relationship since the very first moment his charming, but fake persona met you.

Expect your world to fall apart whereas his world will remain unscathed – as will his emotions. OOPS, pardon me, I made a mistake! Make that “his ‘lack of’ emotions”. Narcissistic men haven’t any empathy for others, and will never take any direct responsibility for any pain they may have caused. They will never acknowledge their wrongdoings, or apologize to you, because they truly believe themselves to be perfect. They project all their faults and flaws onto you, accusing you of the very things that they, themselves, are guilty of.

In fact, throughout your entire relationship, you probably were lead to believe that you were the problem when in actuality it was their narcissism that was at fault. You have subconsciously learned to take his attacks personally, because he is so very good at manipulating the people around him.

Narcissistic and histrionic men play on the fact that most of us are trustingand forgiving, and that we want to believe in them.

Narcissists are all about their image, and they spend an inordinate amount of time perfecting their false front, or their ‘image’. He’s forever aware of his impression on people, and he knows exactly what ‘face’ to put on to draw people into his ‘magical circle’ of followers – all with the intent to enhance his own self-exaltation.

Whatever his career, special talent, or gift may be he will spend days, weeks, months, YEARS perfecting it. If he is a lawyer there is no winning a legal argument against him. If he is a musician he will practice the same tune over and over again, each time trying to make it even more perfect than the time before. If he is a doctor he will try to out-diagnose all his colleagues. If he is a salesman, he will read every book on the market on the art of sales. Perfecting his persona for the sole purpose of gaining admiration is the only thing he holds important, and the only reward he needs.

He is an expert at even fooling himself into thinking he is larger than life and, unfortunately, the more positive the feedback he receives, the more trapped in his mirror he becomes. He would rather have adoration from complete strangers than a deep meaningful relationship with a loving partner. His image is superficial and covers up his complete lack of inner awareness. He is, quite simply, an expert fake, forever on the search for a true acceptance, but never daring enough to show his ‘real self’ for fear of not receiving it.

The sad thing is, because he feels he is loved for his fake front, he never truly feels loved for his real self, and this just further enables and encourages his narcissism.

The narcissistic mate displays many typical psychopathic characteristics. He may have falsely displayed deep emotion toward you (when he was in your good graces). In reality, he was less concerned with you than with making himself look good. In the romance department, a narcissist or a histrionic man has an uncanny ability to gain your trust and affection quickly, disarming you with his charm (i.e., “What a beautiful necklace; you have such excellent taste in jewelry“) and captivating you with his many grandiose plans (i.e., “I want to start a business with you that is something we can build together“). If he cheats on you you’ll probably find forgiveness for him – maybe even blame yourself for his infidelities – but one day when you’ve had enough, he’ll leave you with nothing but the breath-taking epiphany that your whole life with him has been a lie. He’ll also, most likely, leave you with an empty pocketbook, too. Of course, by this time he’ll already have a new ‘sucker’ under his wing, and could care less what he has done to you.

Yes, living with, loving and leaving a narcissistic man is an experience unlike any other! You are left deeply confused and weakened by the abuse.

***“My narcissist was mad at me every single day. In fact, I can’t remember even one day that he wasn’t angry, grudgeful, judgmental, and insulting.”

He wants you to pay for his inner pain, and he will do everything in his power to punish you and push you over the brink. Your mind can’t rationalize that these men are not ‘normal’, and so it tries to make sense of their behavior.

Yet, the narcissistic ex continually acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his ‘false persona’ will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him. He is completely lacking in empathy, and – since he is not receiving any admiration from you anymore – he will dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he use to put up in order to keep you in the relationship.

In the end I was left feeling like a shell of a person. To think this was someone whom I lived with for 2 years and loved deeply. I will forever be changed by this experience. If he could get over on me with my New York City street sense and smarts then he could get over on anyone.  He met me when I was on top of the world. By the time he was done I had lost almost everything and everyone I loved. that was when he looked me in the face and said I do not love you anymore…. And days later was on to stalking the next girl.  This is the true facts of what I lived through and I felt compelled to share this experience to warn others. The best thing that ever happened to me was the day that sociopath left.

The day I started working on me! And forgetting about him and the mess he left for me to clean up. I decided it was time to invest in me.  I developed my own fix my self course.

I took some online courses on Meditation and Self Love which were great and cheap.

I just started doing little things everyday that made me feel good even if it was has simple has a face mask. If it made me feel good I did it and slowly it started working.

Self  love and heal yourself  back to you!

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PUA’s Who are they? Its more popular then you think…….

What is a PUA you ask. It’s a man who studies the art of being a pick up artist. I have met many of them.  Some very well-known. I actually have a friend who teaches a course in PUA. Some of the men are legitimate . They have always been geeky and never really learned how to socialize. That is really the bottom line here. These guys never had many friends or they were  short, out of shape or just geeks.

My friend invited me to an outing with him  to witness a very well know PUA named Hollywood. The class was being held at a very well-known South beach hot spot. I could not resist the chance to see this in action.

The thing that amazed me the most was that 80% of the men attending the course were short. The other 20% were foreign.  They talked about body language as well as posture , eye contact and opening lines. It was an open invite behind the curtain. I stood back and watched and listened as my friend made me swear not to say anything to embarrass him. They were off. I watched the games begin. 2 hours later as they all sat and discussed what they had learned I was even more disturbed when I ended up talking to one of the men afterwards and asked him what he was trying to achieve what was his goal? He stated simply “I never got the hot chicks like you”.  John we will call him was about 5’6 a  39-year-old personal trainer from Brooklyn. I hate to disappoint him, but if that is his goal he his admitting he is only looking for one thing.

I believe meeting someone should be organic by chance, and when that chemistry is there you will feel it immediately. Whether he is short, stocky or a geek. The amount of money being made right now with courses, books and online programs teaching men how to meet, attract and pick up women is amazing. It is a multi-million dollar industry. There is sufficient interest in pick-up that some dating coaches like Nick Savoy, Mystery, JT Tran, Adam Lyons, Richard La Ruina, Chris Luna[4], James Marshall and Owen Cook have become pickup instructors full-time and have gone on to found companies that offer training for PUAs such as ABCs of Attraction, Love Systems, Venusian Arts, PUA Training, Craft of Charisma and Real Social Dynamics, respectively.

The term pickup artist entered the popular lexicon in 2005 upon the arrival of Neil Strauss‘s best selling book, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, also in 2007, from the reality television series, The Pick-up Artist, shown on VH1, starring Mystery.Pickup receives mixed responses from the press and general public, many people viewing it as immoral and or unethical which has led to the creation of companies that disassociate from the industry. Pickup has also been heavily parodied, in March 2011 The Scott Mills show on BBC Radio 1 attacked Neil Strauss’ “The Game” in many shows.

I must admit when I found out that my ex was so about this society it made me a little queasy. He was young and tall and fairly good-looking why did he need this? Well turned out he had absolutely no social skills. The only person I had ever seen him comfortable around at the time was me.

Now, I may be wrong, but in my experience I think the majority of the guys into pick-up are into it just for that, to just hook up. They are not studying this to find love but to be able to hook up more often. Now If men are going to be armed with these so called tactics then I believe women deserve to also be armed with the defense of knowing when someone is using PUA lessons on them. So I implore my girls to please read up on it.  Read THE GAME and make your own assumptions. Men need to realize its not that hard. Be yourself and be real. Have values and do not look at women as an object to be used for anything in any way. Try romance and eventually you may find someone who you feel that immediate connection to, and if you do, don’t let them go whether they are not a perfect 10 or older then you or whatever 100 other reasons you can find, because no class in the world, I don’t care if Don Juan himself is giving it, no class can take the place of real true chemistry when you just know this is a feeling you never had before almost like a connection to that person. That is what’s real and that is what doesnt come around often. Once maybe twice if you are lucky in a lifetime. And that is what is missing in today’s dating scene.

So what are your thoughts on this issue? Would you be offended to know the guy you are dating took classes and read books to get you to talk to him? Would you look at him differently? And men I would love to hear your views on PUA.