Believe you deserve it!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out — ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and it’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.)

And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining, and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it’s not always about you.

So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are, to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn’t weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown — or should never have bought into to begin with — and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away.

You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and Not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. You learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that “alone” does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the Fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.” You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly okay . . . and that it is your right to want the things that you want, and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect — and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a mate who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch, and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve, and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for,and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and it is Okay to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your fears, Because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things.

You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to Answer your prayers. It’s just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state — the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of The simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God in you, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can. I believe I deserve love. I want love in my life and I want to be in love and feel love again. I can’t let one bad experience rob that from me forever. And if I felt that this was the love of my life than that can only mean that the next one will be even better because maybe this time the person will be true and real, and if they aren’t I will be able to tell before I jump in head first. At least I know I loved somebody with every ounce of my being, and though I may have many regrets about what happened, That is one thing I will never regret.

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Might as will face it you’re addicted to love

It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” – Rose Kennedy

As I am still coming to terms with losing who I thought was the love of my life. Key word here ” THOUGHT”

I decide to do a comparison on healthy love VS. addictive love.  These are some valid observations. Needless to say all the points listed below for addictive love pretty much describe most of my last relationship. 

1.         Healthy Love develops after we feel secure.

            Addictive Love tries to create love even though we feel frightened and insecure.

 2.         Healthy Love comes from feeling full.  We overflow with love.

            Addictive Love is always trying to fill an inner void. 

3.         Healthy Love begins with self love.

            Addictive Love always seeks love “out there” from that “special someone.” 

4.         Healthy Love comes to us once we’ve given up the search.

            Addictive Love is compulsively sought after. 

5.         Healthy Love comes from inside.  It wants to give.

            Addictive Love comes from outside.  It wants to take. 

6.         Healthy Love grows slowly, like a tree. 

Addictive Love grows fast, as if by magic, like those children’s animals that expand instantly when we add water. 

7.         Healthy Love thrives on time alone as well as time with our partner.

            Addictive Love is frightened of being alone and afraid of being close. 

8.         Healthy Love is unique.  There is no “ideal lover” that we seek.

            Addictive Love is stereotyped.  There is always a certain type that attracts us. 

9.         Healthy Love is gentle and comfortable.

            Addictive Love is tense and combative. 

10.       Healthy Love is based on a deep knowing of ourselves and our lover.

            Addictive Love is based on hiding from ourselves and falling in love with an ideal “image” not a person.

11.       Healthy Love encourages us to be ourselves, to be honest from the beginning with who we are, including our faults.

            Addictive Love encourages secrets.  We want to look good and put on an attractive mask. 

12.       Healthy Love flows out.

            Addictive Love caves in. 

13.       Healthy Love creates a deeper sense of ourselves the longer we are together.

            Addictive Love creates a loss of self the longer we are together. 

14.       Healthy Love gets easier as time goes on.

            Addictive Love requires more effort as time goes on. 

15.       Healthy Love is like rowing across a gentle lake.

            Addictive Love is like being swept away down a raging river. 

16.       Healthy Love grows stronger as fear decreases.

            Addictive Love expands as fear increases. 

17.       Healthy Love is satisfied with what we have.

            Addictive Love is always looking for more or better. 

18.       Healthy Love encourages interests to expand in the world.

            Addictive Love encourages outside interests to contract. 

19.       Healthy Love is based on the belief that we want to be together.

            Addictive Love ;p- on the belief that we have to be together. 

20.       Healthy Love teaches that we can only make ourselves happy.

            Addictive Love expects the other person to make us happy and demands that we try to make them happy. 

21.       Healthy Love creates life.

            Addictive Love creates melodramas.

So lets start looking for healthy happy relationships instead of these twisted melodramas. Though yes it can be like a drug in the beginning, I think we all know how those stories end.  Yes, with us in love rehab.  I have been clean almost 2 years now. How about you?

Broken hearts club….no membership fee required.

Image 

Romantic relationships can be really complicated and may even end with a bad breakup. The worst thing  about these “sad endings” is that at least one heart ends up broken. Getting over a break up can be tough. Sometimes, it’s even hard for both sides–after all, breaking up is not easy to do. It hurts to throw away your story with someone–all the good memories and the dreams and plans you two had for the future. Mending a broken heart takes time and patience. But you must face the fact that your heart is broken. It doesn’t matter if you wish things could be different or if you even regret something you did. It doesn’t matter if you think you shouldn’t have become that involved with that person or if you’re angry and looking for revenge. The fact is: Your heart is broken! This relationship advice can help.


So now what? Are you going to sit and cry for the rest of your life or do you intend to do something? Was that ending your fault or are you not the one to blame? Is there something you can do to fix it? Is there something you should stop and think about so you can act in a better way the next time ’round? Is mending a broken heart even possible? Of course it is! Getting over a break up is possible. There are many things you can do to heal a broken heart! And the best thing is: It all depends on you! Here’s how to forget someone in 8 steps.

Step 1

Cry out everything you have to cry about! When we get hurt, it’s normal (and good) to cry. Don’t ever think you’re being weak for crying and don’t feel embarrassed because of it! It’s normal and it’s good! When you cry, you let go of part of your anger and hurt so you can feel less heavy. You can lock yourself in a room, if you want to, and put on some sad music…but let yourself feel the pain and cry so you can let it go. The main thing here is: Get rid of the pain! Just let her go!

Step 2

Get busy! When you’re trying to get someone out of your head, you need to put other things inside of it. In other words…get busy! It doesn’t matter how, you just need to get distracted. Go to a movie, watch a play, travel. It doesn’t matter what are you going to do–the important thing is to find something to do. Find a hobby, find something you enjoy doing, something to keep your mind busy. If your mind is busy, it doesn’t have time or space to think about the person you’re trying to forget.

Step 3

Spend some time with your friends. Friends are always great to have in this kind of situation! Friends can make you feel good about yourself and get you distracted very easily. They will certainly make you laugh and make you see that you’re way more important than you think! The only warning is: Ask them not to talk about the person you’re trying to forget. If they start bringing the topic up in every conversation, you won’t be able to forget, and instead of making you laugh, they’re going to make you cry. So be honest and ask them not to talk about it!

Step 4

Avoid the person! Try not to go to places you know you can meet that person. When you’re trying to forget someone and you two keep seeing each other, it can be even harder to get over it. If you meet him/her somewhere, be polite, but find an excuse to go away as fast as you can! If you work or study with him/her and you can’t avoid seeing him/her, just try not to look and not to talk too much. Just be gentle and keep busy all the time so you won’t have excuses to look at him/her or to chat.

Step 5

Go out and see some different faces! Being at home gives you more time to think about the relationship, which makes the process of working through the end of that relationship even more difficult. So even if you’re not feeling excited or you’re in a bad mood, just put on your best clothes, best shoes, best smile, call some friends and go somewhere nice where you can dance, drink, listen to some music. And the most important: See some different faces! When you go out, you notice that the person you’re trying to forget is not the only one who’s got a perfect smile and an amazing voice…thank god, there are other interesting people in the world!

Step 6

Avoid every kind of romantic thing! If you’re trying to forget someone, you’d better not watch romantic movies or listen to romantic songs…it makes you feel bad and you will certainly remember the person you’re trying to forget. It doesn’t matter if it’s a song you love or if it’s playing on the radio…just change the station or do something else. Put on some happy songs, dancing songs, watch some comedies, terror movies, whatever…you just need to avoid the romantic things for now!

Step 7

Take good care of yourself. Women tend to run for some kind of self-destruction when they’re hurt. If we break up our perfect relationship, then we have no reason to get our nails done anymore and the only thing that gives us comfort is chocolate and sugar. That way, the only thing we do is to become less attractive and lessen our self-confidence. So if you’re hurt, just try to use your pain for yourself instead of against you. Go to the gym, work out a lot, get your nails and hair done…do whatever you can so you can feel more pretty and confident!

Step 8

Accept the process! You can be really strong and it’s still going to hurt. The process takes time and you have to accept that. You can’t hope to forget in 2 days someone you loved for 2 years…and you can’t pretend to be strong if you feel like crying. Just face your pain and accept that it’s not easy and it’s going to take some time. When you’re patient with yourself and your situation, things tend to get easier… 

Of course, forgetting someone is not easy to do nor is it easily explained in just 8 steps. But there are some things that make the process a lot smoother. As I said, it takes time and it’s hard but I’m sure you can do it. The only thing that is really, really important is: It all depends on you! Don’t ever forget that. If you want to forget someone, then you will, there is no doubt! Even if it takes a long time, even if you have to be really strong…you will be! In that kind of situation we usually find out that we are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. So believe that — believe that, take a deep breath and move on! Your life’s waiting for you, baby! 

Don’t do what I did and dwell and relive the constant pain by contacting them and waiting for their response which will never be what you want to hear. If you read my stories you will see. It will only set you back. Whether or not you believe you are meant to be together this is you’re soul-mate ect. We have to face the fact that they do not feel the same way. When someone wants you nothing will keep them away. Nothing! It took me a long time to realize this along with a lot of tears and sleepless nights and unwarranted emails always wanting a reason why. It will never be the answer we seek. 

Choose happiness and believe you deserve it, learn from this and find a reason everyday to be happy and grateful for what we have now. Remember you are not alone.  I for one am here and can relate, see that’s one and there are many many more like me.

Soul Mates…past lives…and moving on

 I read 2 books this week about past lives and soul mate connections.  “Many Lives Many Masters & Only Love Is Real” by Brian Weiss .

Both are about past lives and how we immediately recognize our soul mates when we meet them. We have many soul connections. Parents, siblings, friends, children and lovers . We travel in the same soul groups and meet over and over throughout our journey, constantly learning new lessons from our soul connections.  It made me think about a lot of things.  My marriage for one and why I never felt that connection to my husband after 15 yrs even though I loved him. It was different. Or the way I loved my father we definitely had past lives together. I believe he was my dad before maybe my brother and in one life definitely my mother . I can’t wait to see you again daddy on the other side and in another life.  My parents true love soul mates and they will be together again this I know.

We meet different people everyday and sometimes we meet the ones that we feel like we have known our whole lives . We have that feeling immediately . These are our soul connections. We are kindred spirits and we will meet again over and over.

This brings me to the only time I ever felt what I call ” love at first sight”.  When I met my ex. The minuet I saw him it was like somebody snapped their fingers in my face and said wakeup.  I felt something I never felt before. The reason this is so odd for me is because for one, I never ever have been that drawn to anyone I just met and two, he felt it too he told me. And three, I would never go for someone like him he was way younger than me. But we fell in love even though we both fought it at first, me more than him. It had to happen. I believe this now.  For some reason there were lessons I or we needed to learn. We always felt a deep connection to each other and we knew it. But he was so young 14 years younger than me that I felt guilt sometimes. However, I never have been loved so deeply or loved someone so deeply. When it ended I was left devastated. But I think if we were the same age the devastation would have been lesser for me .  For some reason I was supposed to look younger to attract him, I think, and we were suppose to fall in love which we did. And we lived together 2 years and then broke up. The years we spent together and the year and half since we broke up have completely change me as a person changed the way I feel about love and life. I realize he made me love on a  level I never experienced . I don’t know if  it was the same for him because of the age difference but I hope it was. We took that picture the night we met with my phone. We would break up shortly after that for 2 weeks . When I go to his place to bring him some things he left at my house and say goodbye “it was a pleasure meeting and knowing you but you should date someone you’re own age”. I will never forget the way he grabbed me and hugged me and said “I can’t explain it I feel like I am making a mistake”. I did too, but I said no this is the right thing. Then when I left I started crying as soon as I got in my car, so unlike me I couldn’t explain it we only dated a month at that time. So not like me.  We ended up back together in 2 weeks because of him pursuing me. We lived together for 2 years.

Excerpt from the book: “Only Love is Real.”

Sometimes your soulmate is willing and available.

He or she might recognize the passion and the

chemistry between you, the intimate and subtle bonds

that imply connections over many lifetimes. Yet he or she

may be toxic for you. It is a matter of soul development.

}If one soul is less developed and more ignorant than

the other, traits of violence, greed, jealousy, hatred, and

fear might be brought into the relationship. These

tendencies are toxic to the more evolved soul, even if

from a soulmate. Frequently rescue fantasies arise with

the thought, I can change him; I can help her grow. If he

does not allow your help, if in her free will she chooses

not to learn, not to grow, the relationship is doomed.

Perhaps there will be another chance in another lifetime,

unless he awakens later in this one. Late awakenings do

happen.

Sometimes soulmates decide not to get married

while incarnated. They arrange to meet, to stay together

until the agreed upon task is completed, and then to

move on. Their agendas, their lesson plans for the

entirety of this life, are different, and they do not want to

or need to spend all of this lifetime together. This is not a

tragedy, only a matter of learning. You have eternal life

together, but sometimes you may need to take separate

classes.

A soulmate who is available but unawakened is a

tragic figure and can cause you great anguish.

Unawakened means that he or she does not see life

clearly, is not aware of the many levels of existence.

Unawakened means not knowing about souls. Usually it

is the everyday mind that prevents awakening.

}We hear the excuses of the mind all the time: I’m too

young; I need more experience; I’m not ready to settle

down yet; you are of a different religion (or race, region, social status, intellectual level, cultural background, and so on). These are all excuses, for souls possess none of these attributes.

The person may recognize the chemistry. The attraction is definitely there, but the source of the chemistry is not understood. It is delusional to believe that this passion, this soul recognition and attraction, will

be easily found again with another person. You do not run into such a soul mate every day, perhaps only one or two more in a lifetime. Divine grace may reward a good heart, a loving soul.Never worry about meeting soul mates. Such meetings are a matter of destiny. They will occur. After the meeting, the free will of both partners reigns. What decisions are made or not made are a matter of freewill, of choice. The less awakened will make decisions based on the mind and all of its fears and prejudices.Unfortunately, this often leads to heartache. The more awakened the couple is, the more the likelihood of a decision based on love. When both partners are awakened, ecstasy is within their grasp.

I write a lot about him and what he did to me in the end. Will we meet again?  I think so and maybe next time I will know instinctively or somehow just know not to get involved with him . However, I need to forgive in this life first and that I am coming to terms with little by little.

He brought out the best and the worst in me. He made me feel the deepest love I have ever felt and hate for the first time in my life.I am still trying to decide what lesson or lessons I was supposed to learn from him. He couldn’t let me go as much as I couldn’t let him go .  I loved and hated him at the same time. I hope I never see him again. It would be too painful. We only live 30mins apart. I don’t look for him or check his fb page because I don’t want to know . But I think this is for the best because I do not want to ever see him again. He did love me deeply, yes he did. He also hurt me deeply and lied and was deceitful. All bad things so could he really be a soul mate?  Why do we have great chemistry with one or maybe two relationships in our lifetimes and almost no real chemistry with most of them? Is this what soul mates mean?  It’s not about being the best looking he certainly was not the best looking guy I have ever been with or the richest. It’s a feeling I just can’t explain. As much as I was drawn to him. There was always a feeling that something was not right. I always blamed it on age, but I know now that wasn’t the only thing. It was what is inside of him something that was not true and real. Was he just an undeveloped soul like the book said ?  Were we both? Or was he just a very good actor who used me for his own advantage a sociopath. That is what  my head tells me. My heart wants to believe differently.

I hope there is another soul mate in this lifetime for me because this can’t be it,  he can’t be it for me. Is this karma from something I did in a past life. Or just a lesson I needed to learn? Only time will tell,but can you ever truly in your heart move on from a true soul mate?

PUA’s Who are they? Its more popular then you think…….

What is a PUA you ask. It’s a man who studies the art of being a pick up artist. I have met many of them.  Some very well-known. I actually have a friend who teaches a course in PUA. Some of the men are legitimate . They have always been geeky and never really learned how to socialize. That is really the bottom line here. These guys never had many friends or they were  short, out of shape or just geeks.

My friend invited me to an outing with him  to witness a very well know PUA named Hollywood. The class was being held at a very well-known South beach hot spot. I could not resist the chance to see this in action.

The thing that amazed me the most was that 80% of the men attending the course were short. The other 20% were foreign.  They talked about body language as well as posture , eye contact and opening lines. It was an open invite behind the curtain. I stood back and watched and listened as my friend made me swear not to say anything to embarrass him. They were off. I watched the games begin. 2 hours later as they all sat and discussed what they had learned I was even more disturbed when I ended up talking to one of the men afterwards and asked him what he was trying to achieve what was his goal? He stated simply “I never got the hot chicks like you”.  John we will call him was about 5’6 a  39-year-old personal trainer from Brooklyn. I hate to disappoint him, but if that is his goal he his admitting he is only looking for one thing.

I believe meeting someone should be organic by chance, and when that chemistry is there you will feel it immediately. Whether he is short, stocky or a geek. The amount of money being made right now with courses, books and online programs teaching men how to meet, attract and pick up women is amazing. It is a multi-million dollar industry. There is sufficient interest in pick-up that some dating coaches like Nick Savoy, Mystery, JT Tran, Adam Lyons, Richard La Ruina, Chris Luna[4], James Marshall and Owen Cook have become pickup instructors full-time and have gone on to found companies that offer training for PUAs such as ABCs of Attraction, Love Systems, Venusian Arts, PUA Training, Craft of Charisma and Real Social Dynamics, respectively.

The term pickup artist entered the popular lexicon in 2005 upon the arrival of Neil Strauss‘s best selling book, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, also in 2007, from the reality television series, The Pick-up Artist, shown on VH1, starring Mystery.Pickup receives mixed responses from the press and general public, many people viewing it as immoral and or unethical which has led to the creation of companies that disassociate from the industry. Pickup has also been heavily parodied, in March 2011 The Scott Mills show on BBC Radio 1 attacked Neil Strauss’ “The Game” in many shows.

I must admit when I found out that my ex was so about this society it made me a little queasy. He was young and tall and fairly good-looking why did he need this? Well turned out he had absolutely no social skills. The only person I had ever seen him comfortable around at the time was me.

Now, I may be wrong, but in my experience I think the majority of the guys into pick-up are into it just for that, to just hook up. They are not studying this to find love but to be able to hook up more often. Now If men are going to be armed with these so called tactics then I believe women deserve to also be armed with the defense of knowing when someone is using PUA lessons on them. So I implore my girls to please read up on it.  Read THE GAME and make your own assumptions. Men need to realize its not that hard. Be yourself and be real. Have values and do not look at women as an object to be used for anything in any way. Try romance and eventually you may find someone who you feel that immediate connection to, and if you do, don’t let them go whether they are not a perfect 10 or older then you or whatever 100 other reasons you can find, because no class in the world, I don’t care if Don Juan himself is giving it, no class can take the place of real true chemistry when you just know this is a feeling you never had before almost like a connection to that person. That is what’s real and that is what doesnt come around often. Once maybe twice if you are lucky in a lifetime. And that is what is missing in today’s dating scene.

So what are your thoughts on this issue? Would you be offended to know the guy you are dating took classes and read books to get you to talk to him? Would you look at him differently? And men I would love to hear your views on PUA.