Love and Anxiety…


A recent post from a friend and fellow blogger got me thinking about this topic. I remember when I started to feel anxiety in my last relationship. This was the 1st time I had opened up to someone completely and loved unconditionally. It was after the trust was broken with lies and deceit that I had my 1st panic attack. When the person that I put my trust and faith in betrayed me I felt scared and alone for the 1st time in my life, and it just got worse . My panic attacks continued for over a year after it ended.
I often wonder how will this affect me in my future relationships. Will I be able to trust again when I can’t even bring myself to date?
Until we bring awareness to our relationships, most of us live in love’s comfort zone — close enough to take the edge off loneliness, and distant enough to preserve our sense of being able to live without the other person. The tragedy is that many people who love each other are unable to express that love fully because they are unaware of how anxiety throttles and distorts their love. They feel, but not too deeply; they hold back, unable to make the final commitment. Yet those who protect themselves from the loss of love by blocking out love are already suffering from what they most dread. Forgoing love in the present out of anxiety about losing it in the future is a fool’s bargain.

At the extreme, unconscious anxiety can even turn love to hate. When one wants another and feels unworthy or unable to win their love, or fears being manipulated and hurt, anxiety can distort love into either hate or indifference. Hate is injured love, and it may be inflamed through anger into violence. Indifference is injured love retreating into numb withdrawal.

How can we respond to the anxiety that love provokes — to this deep dread of abandonment? The answer is not to love less, but to love more. Although the object of our love can be taken away, our ability to love can never be lost or taken from us. And if our ultimate love object includes the source of life itself, no one can ever take away the object of our love. The path to serenity is to love so much, so deeply and so unconditionally that we can never be without love. We can let the love of a spouse or a child or a parent expand far beyond our past self-imposed limits. We can let love become a reflex, a habit, an impulse that cannot be denied. Just as the answer to anxiety in general is not less anxiety, but greater and more meaningful anxiety, the answer to our anxiety about love is not less love but more love and greater love.

Anxiety is love’s limit, but not its enemy. Our anxiety guides us to the edge of our love. Our task is to keep changing anxiety into love — to have the courage to love passionately, universally and eternally. I believe if I keep practicing this and saying it over and over when I am ready the universe will grant me my best relationship ever.

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How Do You Love?

“In life you’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words
at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should
judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.”
Nicholas Sparks

One thing I can say about me is when I do fall in love with someone I do so with every ounce of my being. I love whole heartedly. I have only been in love 3 times in my life. The 1st being high school. The 2nd my ex-husband of 12 years and the 3rd was the last man I loved he was younger than me we lived together for 2 years.  With each love I noticed I loved more than the last . I don’t know if this is just a coincidence or if this is how love works. We learn more as we go along we give more of ourselves with each one emotionally and sexually . Maybe the last one was so intense because it was his 1st real relationship where he lived with a woman.

I thought he loved me so much, that we were so great together. We were inseparable . We played together and we did a lot of silly things with each other . We lived by the beach and would get cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory and go sit in the lifeguard chairs at night on the beach and eat and look at the stars. Light fireworks for no reason just to see the pretty colors. Florida is cool like that you can buy fireworks all year long. We would turn our bed into a tent. We filled a walk-in closet with glow in the dark stars and would use it as our fort. lol to hang out and be close to each other. I thought we had such a strong connection, great chemistry. We were so playful together. Every time he came into the room I had butterflies every time he touched me. I never loved anyone that much before.  But none of that was real. It was all about him wanting, wanting me, a succesful older girl with a lot to offer. The way he loved me was overwhelming at times he was so intense so protective over me. I thought the jealousy was sweet sometimes. He became everything I wanted in a man ,so much that I would question if his feelings were true or an act. I think he did everything to please me so he could be part of my life and all that went along with it . However the universe knew how much I loved this man so it did what it does best. It tested the love and took away everything I had that was material. Funny thing happened, he told me he didn’t love me anymore and suddenly I was no longer “the one”. As quickly as he loved me was as quickly as he didn’t and I no longer existed to him. When I was about to need him the most he was gone.

I know all loves are different and that we learn lessons from each of them. The one thing I learned is you can’t bluff the universe .You can lie to yourself, but the universe will always make sure the truth is reveled.  So do you love for butterflies because I do.  Anything else is a waste of time.

So how do you love? Do you love for the right reasons?

Do you love for comfort?

Security?

For looks?

For money?

Or are you like me, do you love for that feeling the butterflies?

How do you completely get over someone you love when they never TRULY loved you….

  • First realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. If someone is not interested in you it is in your best interest to find someone who does love and adore you for who you are. Know that you are worth it, and there are plenty of people who will love you. Never settle for someone who is not treating you and respecting you the way you deserve.
  • Ask yourself what might be in his head or his heart; it takes two people to be in a relationship and even though you feel the way that you do, maybe it was meant to be this way. Save your love for someone who feels the same way about you!
  • In my case, I know I deserve better. I tell myself “He isn’t worth my love, he’s a liar and a sociopath and lying is all he knows how to do so I guess that’s that.”
  • It’s not about getting over a person, it’s about feeling good about yourself. It’s about knowing that you are the most important and you need to be happy. If this other person doesn’t feel the same way, it doesn’t really matter.
  • Tough circumstance – being in love with someone who does not feel the same way as you do. It’s not a problem – you can fix those, this is almost like “it’s raining outside” – just have to deal. Objective advice: If someone doesn’t feel the same way as you do – walk off. Don’t even give them the privilege of friendship because you’ll suck yourself back into the delusion. Do things for yourself, keep busy, bury yourself in work and keep searching for what you really want and need. Don’t do what I have done..
  • It is strange when you are hurting from rejection, to hear someone say move on things will be fine. No matter how much you love him, he never loves you back. For all those wondering what went wrong Just stop wondering say it really loud “HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU”. Only when one stops chasing and pursing someone who doesn’t love you, will you open the door to that perfect person who will love you back with the same intensity that you will love him.
  • If you believe in destiny then you have know that things happen when they are meant to be. People part for reasons beyond human comprehension but the reality remains if you are meant to love each other and be with each other, it will happen. That’s the power of destiny. Love always wins. Love is important and only it counts.
  • The older I get, the more I believe that some people are full of the capacity to love – like me – and others are incapable of it in the romantic sense, for whatever reason. Fear of commitment. A distorted view of freedom. The desire to stay young forever? A deep unwillingness to give themselves over to another (aka, selfish)? It is an absolute rock and a hard place. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is the most impossible situation imaginable, especially when the love is so strong you are a slave to it.
  • I went through this . For those of you whose situation is similar, this is what I suggest: Deal with reality. Stop hoping, dreaming, etc. Pray and tell God that you forgive them for not being able to love you. Ask God to take this from you – and He will. Then continue to deal with reality. Don’t tell yourself, maybe someday… they’ll change… True love accepts the person for who they are, even when they are evil and they don’t love you. It means accepting reality. When you love and accept reality at the same time, you are forced to move on. When you deal with reality and move on without love, you take bitterness with you. When you love without dealing with reality, you hurt yourself. Love the other person, Accept the reality and pray to God for the wisdom and strength you’ll need to do that continuously until it ceases to become a problem.
  • Try not to be in contact, its almost like an addiction. You think that one little text will do no harm but the pain when he doesn’t reply will just make things worse. That would be my advice.
  • There is one more thing I can recommend. There are times when you feel very weak and feel you need to talk to that other person even though they may have just hurt you again, you don’t know why you want to talk to them, you just do. I’ve been able to get by these weak moments by writing down exactly what I’m feeling at the time, it comes out in a jumble of feelings and thoughts, some not so pleasant, but in the end it actually helps and I don’t feel to call the person anymore. For everyone out there, keep strong and keep your head up, there are better days ahead.
  • Tough one. If we know for a fact there is no hope for a mutual love, then why torture yourself. Move on. Treat it like a divorce. FORCE yourself to live and keep meeting people. You owe it to yourself to be available for when the right person does come along. Love is like a bus stop, there’s always going to be another opportunity for the bus to stop again — if we are ready for it at the bus stop. Sometimes we don’t ever think we could possibly find someone better than that one we are in love with that doesn’t return the love back, but that’s not true. We just won’t be ready to find it if we are pining for a love that is not healthy or returned. We owe it to ourselves to always know we deserve what’s best and healthy.
  • We all have had heartaches that hurt bad and SUCK! A broken heart is never fun. Life goes on. We have to as well. We owe it to ourselves to know we simply go on. We will meet another person but we shouldn’t while we are hurting. We’ll often end up not being as clear headed. We want someone to love us and to feel wanted, but that’s a potential for another mess. Or, you could end up hurting someone they way you were hurt. When your heart is mended, you’ll know. Every single day we get just a tiny bit better. Ok, maybe not every day, but if we can just make it from one day to the next and keep doing it, pretty soon we will feel better, if only a little, but that’s a start to total healing.
  • You accept yourself as you are, love yourself for who you are, forgive yourself for decisions and actions that have brought you pain, never settle for anything less then what you desire and deserve. Love is all about timing, make yourself the best person you can be both mentally and physically and do it for yourself no man. Once you do that, you will no longer waste your time on men who do not see you for who you are. You will see yourself as a beautiful women that has so much to offer the right man. But to be able to get over lost love you have to be able to forgive yourself, whether it was your fault or not for the break up. You also must make a conscious effort to get him out of your life. Keeping him as a friend will bring only more pain, this is from experience.
  • Let him go, delete his name off your cell phone off your email, put the pictures away. It is your choice to be miserable about the situation, which for the first few months everyone chooses to be sad. I chose to be sad for over a year when the man I loved told me he no longer loved me. But you can also make the choice to be happy, but only you can do that. You have one life why sit there and waste it on a man who can’t see all facets of your beauty. You have one life to be happy, love yourself, forgive yourself and you will see that love will radiate and men will be attracted to that. Good men will be attracted to your positive self worth. And that positive self worth gets rid of all the baggage from past relationships that ruin current ones. But this is a choice, a conscious choice to leave the past and be happy and only you can make it. Know it wont be easy, but in the end you will have the love you have always desired.
    http://youtu.be/Nx1ykBc3XUQ

Believe you deserve it!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out — ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and it’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.)

And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining, and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it’s not always about you.

So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are, to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn’t weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown — or should never have bought into to begin with — and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away.

You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and Not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. You learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that “alone” does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the Fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.” You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly okay . . . and that it is your right to want the things that you want, and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect — and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a mate who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch, and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve, and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for,and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and it is Okay to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your fears, Because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things.

You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to Answer your prayers. It’s just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state — the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of The simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God in you, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can. I believe I deserve love. I want love in my life and I want to be in love and feel love again. I can’t let one bad experience rob that from me forever. And if I felt that this was the love of my life than that can only mean that the next one will be even better because maybe this time the person will be true and real, and if they aren’t I will be able to tell before I jump in head first. At least I know I loved somebody with every ounce of my being, and though I may have many regrets about what happened, That is one thing I will never regret.

If You Can’t Forgive Someone, This Is What You Need to Know

 

Spiritual Insight from Eckhart Tolle’s Stillness Speaks

Sometimes things are said or done between two people and the rift is so great it seems impossible to repair. The person has hurt you so much that you just can’t bring yourself to forgive what they said or did.

Of such a situation Eckhart Tolle writes in Stillness Speaks:

If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace.

This isn’t an easy realization to arrive at. If you are having difficulty forgiving someone, then The Presence Process may be invaluable to you. In The Presence Process, Michael Brown addresses our anger at being hurt, which is based in the sense that others ought to have acted differently toward us, not hurting us as they did. He says of our refusal to forgive:

Does our arrogance lead us to assume they should behave differently—that they should know better, even though we realize the impact of emotional imprinting on human behavior? Did we do any better?

It’s useful to bring into our awareness those we feel are unforgivable, so that we may examine the felt-resonance that arises when we picture these individuals and allow ourselves to feel this felt-resonance without condition.

These people are the focus of our unintegrated child’s revenge. They are the victims of our arrogance. These people are also the individuals who are assisting us in unlocking our peace of mind. Until we integrate the emotional signature that arises when we bring them into our awareness, we remain imprisoned by unintegrated emotional discomfort and its consequential mental confusion and physical reactivity.

Our ongoing anger toward them is our lack of clarity. It’s the cause of our lack of awareness of the peace already given. By not allowing ourselves to integrate these uncomfortable resonances, an aspect of our felt-perception remains sedated and controlled—and therefore unavailable to feel the peace in which we are always immersed.

There is no awareness of peace without authentic forgiveness, and there is no authentic forgiveness until we integrate the resonance that arises in us when we place our attention on those who still anger us.

Michael’s understanding of why we find it hard to forgive is worth dwelling on. Take some time to sit with it, seeing how it speaks to your own situation with regard to those you have hard feelings toward.

Forgiveness isn’t really about the other person, it’s about us. To the degree we realize how deeply we have been emotionally imprinted, we will realize that others have also been imprinted in similar ways. They can’t help themselves any more than we have been able to help ourselves, until now when we at last are ready to engage in emotional integration.

By forgiving ourselves, we automatically forgive others. When we can’t forgive, it’s because we haven’t yet truly owned our own emotional imprinting and come to a place of peace with ourselves. This is why The Presence Process is simply one of the most powerful resources available to us in our journey into a more conscious way of living.

For me this is a learning process. This is a matter of coming to terms with everything and just letting it go.  There are many factors why this is so difficult for me to do. Right now I can’t, maybe in time I will be able too. A wise person once said to me, it’s not up to you to forgive that is up to God.