5 Ways People Can Be Emotionally Unavailable


                 One thing all emotionally unavailable people have in  common is their compulsive avoidance of intimacy while they are constantly searching  for an intimate relationship. Although some emotionally unavailable people can  be very clear and honest about their intentions and their history, a lot of them  are not. Pretty much all of them will give you mixed signals and confusing  messages.
Eggs in many baskets type- is so terrified of being in love and  loosing personal power, he chooses to be in several non-committal relationships  at the same time. These people literally view the idea of a monogamous  relationship as putting all their eggs in one basket. They often seem to have no  problems with their lifestyles justifying their behavior by saying “Well you  can’t have it all in one person” and they don’t really get involved with anyone.  They introduce their partners as friends as they don’t like using the word  girlfriend. They swear they are not the marrying kind, although they typically  do get married at least once in their lifetime. Many times the “eggs in many  baskets” type will actually terminate the relationship if they feel like they  are falling for the person. This compulsive behavior is usually a result of a  severe heartbreak and it is more typical for men than women.
Involved  with another type -is someone who is either physically or emotionally involved  with someone who doesn’t meet all their needs. As a result they become involved  with another to compensate for what they’re missing. This type of behavior is  typical for both men and women. An involved with another type doesn’t see  herself as being emotionally unavailable as she strongly believes that if the  man she is in love with only loved her back and given her everything she needed,  she wouldn’t be going around looking for love elsewhere.
The lurker type.-  A lurker will tell you that he loves dating and meeting new people and actually  mean it. This person is driven by the fear of letting their soul mate slip by  and is always on the lookout for that special someone, while never settling for  anyone in particular. Ironically, lurkers don’t have a slightest clue of what  they’re looking for, but they will consider any candidate that comes into the  picture, never ending that search for something that doesn’t exist. Sadly, many  times these people will actually lose the love of their lives and realize it  when it’s too late.
Serial monogamist- is similar to the lurker in a way  that he/she too searches for the ideal person as opposed to a real person.  Unlike lurkers, serial monogamists don’t like dating, most of them rush into a  relationship after the first week or two into their dating period, then stay in  it exclusively until the romantic “honey moon” stage is over. In their  relationships serial monogamists are more interested in how you make them feel  rather than you. When these people are looking for a relationship, they look for  someone who falls for them rather than someone they are falling for as being  adored by another is what turns them on and makes them feel secure. For them,  the idea of intimacy is the intense rush of hormones, romance and strong sexual  chemistry. For a short while they are blinded by hormones and seriously believe  that you are the only one for them. They will promise you the world, they will  tell you they love you with all their hearts and then leave you heartlessly when  the hormonal rush wares off only a few months later. These people are simply  incapable of dealing with the reality of a relationship, in many cases they  don’t even know the person they get into a relationship with.
The Avoidant- is  the most widespread emotionally unavailable type that sometimes can be hard to  pinpoint as there are so many different types of avoidants. An avoidant may get  into a relationship and stay there for many years, or stay away from all  personal relationships and dating altogether for long periods of time. They may  avoid all sexual contacts for months or even years, then go on a binge of one  night stands. Avoidants are typically introverted and in some extreme cases can  become antisocial. They are typically very honest and rarely cheat or play, yet  it is not uncommon for an avoidant to live a secret life no one knows about.  These people can be very damaging to themselves and the ones they get close  with. They avoid intimacy by building walls around themselves and energetically  pushing people away whenever they get too uncomfortable in a relationship. They  avoid conflicts and confrontations at all possible costs, ignoring the obvious  problems and red flags. Sometimes when confronted they can even become  aggressive and violent, though most avoidants are passive-aggressive. They often  use drugs, alcohol, pornography, video games, TV and many other addictions to  keep themselves cut out of the reality of their own lives and lives of those  they get involved with.
Nobody really falls into a stereotype one hundred  percent, and, of course, there is a degree of emotional unavailability.  Typically people become emotionally unavailable because of a heartbreak they had  to survive in their past. The good news is that every EU person can recover from  their destructive relationship patterns if he or she is willing to do so. But  that can only happen if they do it on their own.

Katy Perry’s Wide Awake….The Meaning Behind The Song…..

I usually don’t do song reference post . But for anyone who as been with a sociopath this song cuts to the core.

When you are with a sociopath the beginning can be like floating on cloud 9. What comes later is like falling into hell.

Below quoted from Google.com

She was in the grip of sociopathic liar who made her feel loved but never loved her at all
and now she knows what he is and God knows what she went through. That is what this
 song is about. Been there done that. When you realize you have been in a relationship with such a creature it is like waking up on the “Concrete”.

Meaning, Main Idea, and Message of The Song

“Love is blind,” that’s what an old aphorism says. The saying means that when people fall in love they cannot see something or someone objectively. With love in mind, people can see something which is just good as perfect. Influenced by love, people will see someone who is not so beautiful as the prettiest person in the world.
Not only in terms of physical appearance, the aphorism also applies in terms of attitudes. The most obvious example is how people adore celebrities. Of course those celebrities, either singers or actresses or actors, have dark sides. But, as you can see, people seem not to care about celebrities’ dark sides. They adore them as if they are perfect. However often those celebrities are reported to behave inappropriately, people’s admiration to them seems not to subside. It happens because people love them. And love is blind.
Well, this Katy Perry’s Wide Awake song seems to tell about similar phenomenon. The phrase ‘Wide awake’ in the song represents the situation after a girl is free from blind love she previously had to her boy. In other words, when she fell in love with the boy, she felt like she was dreaming or blind. Everything seemed to be so sweet. And now she is awake, wide awake. She is not dreaming anymore. Yes, everything doesn’t look beautiful as it was. Situation is not as comfortable as it was. She realizes she was with a sociopath who lied and felt no emotion, and it hurts badly to know that everything was beautiful just because she was dreaming. Worse, she had dreamed for so long. Waste of time. But, the most important thing is that she is awake and trying to hold on and to see the bright side of everything she has been through.
What Katy shows us with this song, if you get the meaning, is that sociopaths walk among us. There are famous ones too. But also that the pain of experiencing a relationship with one hurts all the same, and is life changing . Money and fame can’t even take away the pain. When it hits you it’s kind of like falling from a cloud and hitting the concrete.
WIDE AWAKE- Katy Perry
I’m wide awake (x3) Yeah, I was in the dark I was falling hard With an open heart I’m wide awake How did I read the stars so wrong
I’m wide awake And now it’s clear to me That everything you see Ain’t always what it seems I’m wide awake Yeah, I was dreaming for so long
(Pre-Chorus) I wish I knew then What I know now Wouldn’t dive in Wouldn’t bow down Gravity hurts You made it so sweet Till I woke up on On the concrete
 Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high I’m letting go tonight (Yeah I’m) Falling from cloud 9 .  I’m wide awake Not losing any sleep I picked up every piece And landed on my feet I’m wide awake Need nothing to complete myself – nooohooo
I’m wide awake Yeah, I am born again Outta the lion’s den I don’t have to pretend And it’s too late The story’s over now, the end
(Pre-Chorus) I wish I knew then What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in Wouldn’t bow down Gravity hurts You made it so sweet Till I woke up on On the concrete
(Chorus) Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high I’m letting go tonight I’m Falling from cloud 9
Thunder rumbling Castles crumbling I am trying to hold on God knows that I tried Seeing the bright side I’m not blind anymore
(Chorus) Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high (Ya’ know) I’m letting go tonight I’m falling from cloud 9
 I’m wide awake (x5)

Sometimes it’s good to let it out…

Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted.
Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world”
Hans Margolius

From road rage to kids taking guns to school, evidence of open anger in our society is everywhere. We find ourselves seeing what was until now the stuff of action films becoming reality all around us. Our very laws are changing to include treating children as criminal adults, given the awful consequences of their rage.

We don’t acknowledge that anger itself is worthy of our attention. We know we must deal with violence and physical abuse, but don’t acknowledge the everyday verbal abuse and emotional violence that tears into people’s self worth and their very souls.
Somehow we avoid mentioning how angry we are. Many of us are so accustomed to being proper that we do not even feel anger rising in us, until illness or explosion result.

After taking years of mental abuse most of which was aimed at my appearance. I can’t tell you what it feels like to be scrutinized on a daily basis to panic over gaining 10lbs . The way it was done was always with a disappointing comment. I think the one that scarred me the most was ” You can’t expect me to be as attracted to you as I am to girls younger than you”. It was that comment that killed something inside of me. When it finally ended, and all of the lies he told me for years came out, when I saw his true colors and looked a sociopath in the face for the first time…My rage and anger showed itself for the first time in my life. I smacked him several times in the face as well as spit in his face. I believe I kicked him in the ass as well. All the while hoping he would hit me back so I could really unleash my rage.  These are not things I am proud of and it does not make it right, but I also do not regret it either.

In our society, anger has generally been frowned upon. Many religious models teach us to turn the other cheek. Different cultures teach and accept varying degrees of expression of anger. Men and women may have different levels of comfort with this emotion. The result is that many of us suppress anger and others find our expressions of anger out of control.

The truth is there is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is a natural response to perceived injustice, threat or humiliation, and is born of the feeling that we want something for ourselves that we cannot have. In its best incarnation, anger can promote social change. Think of the moral outrages in our history. Where would we be today if not for the rage of the American colonists, the anti-Nazi activists, the Civil Rights Movement?

Yet anger can be uncomfortable to live with, in ourselves or others. It can get us into trouble. We can be identified by others as hard to get along with. Anger can destroy important relationships. It can lead to abusiveness, either emotional or physical.

 We see anger every day. We see executives angry with bosses who don’t appreciate them and who wind up in their doctors offices with back pain, headaches, gastrointestinal pain, sleeplessness or chest pain. We see spouses who are long suffering of their partners and who deal with their anger through affairs, health problems, parent-child difficulties, staying at the office or overspending.

We see people who have grown up with such anger in their primary relationships that they have shut down their feelings, and have no emotional response for their spouses or children. We see men and women who have had physical or emotional abuse rob them of their self esteem. We see people who live by the short fuse, costing them respect, relationships and jobs.

 We need to learn to manage anger in different ways. How can we deal with anger constructively?
The first step in managing anger is to recognize it. What cues or clues can you use to identify your hidden anger? Sometimes its a good idea to keep a journal, to identify and record feelings in particular situations. 

Learning to evaluate your anger within the context of the situation allows you to reason with yourself before responding. Ask yourself: Is the perceived threat or injustice real or am I reacting for some other reason? How important is the problem? Do I have a constructive response right now? If not, I won’t act until I think of one.

Taking a break can be an effective response when you do not have a constructive response. By removing yourself from the situation that is making your blood boil, you give yourself time to cool down. When you cannot physically remove yourself try distracting yourself, deep breathing, meditation or saying “stop” to yourself.

Learn to talk about your anger. Some people spew words or become verbally abusive, rarely talking about the real cause of the anger. Others don’t have words to describe the anger and tension they feel. Being able to talk or write about the anger stops it from continuing to churn in your mind or body. Hearing or seeing the words can give you the distance to respond more constructively.

Learn to listen to a full paragraph before you respond. Many people who anger quickly don’t want to hear, so they jump on the first thing said. You may be absolutely right in your opinion, but you lose nothing by listening to the other view. You may gain some understanding, and your blood pressure will thank you.

Learn to negotiate. In our personal lives, everyone loses in dead end arguments. In business, it is desirable to create a win-win situation. Whether in business or personal life, learning to go beyond black and white thinking, paying attention to what someone else needs, and thinking outside the box are required for good faith negotiation.

Rest, Recharge, Self Soothe. People who are tired, ill or feeling overwhelmed by the demands of work or life can easily fall into angry reactions. When you are at the low end of your battery you lack capacity to deal creatively with difficult situations. If you are not ready to deal with things now, don’t. Simply state when you feel you will be up to it. Find healthy habits to help you!

Learn how to impact intimidation when you can be reasonable but must deal with a verbal abuser a condescending jerk or a rage-aholic. Once you have discovered techniques to insulate yourself from the wrath, you can be very clear about what you will and will not tolerate. Be assertive, not aggressive. State your needs clearly and politely with some acknowledgment of the other’s viewpoint.

If you have a problem controlling your anger on a daily basis, working with a therapist, counselor can help you develop specific strategies for managing anger more constructively. Working in a group can give you the support and honest feed back of individuals wrestling with similar problems. Whatever route you choose, remember learning new anger strategies and making
them part of your life take patience and practice. As for me, weight training is my release.

Interview With Sandra Brown, Author Of ‘Women Who Love Psycopaths’ And ‘How To Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved’

book cover

Many people wake up one day, and find that  life isn’t at all what they imagined it to be. The relationship they are in is probably the worst nightmare they could possible imagine – but still, they stick it out, making excuses for their partners outrageous behaviors, hoping that from tomorrow it will be different, but it never is.


I asked Sandra L. Brown, M.A., CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education, who is a specialist psychopathology, if she would answer some of my questions on the subject, to which she agreed. If anything here rings true to your own relationship or a relationship of a loved one, or if you would like to educate yourself further on the issue, please check out The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education.

RT: You are the founder of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction &   Public Pathology Education. Could you tell us a little about the institute and how it came to be?

SB: We are part of everything we experience. The years of being exposed to pathology as a child had a big impact on me. I was learning about psychopathology without ever realizing it. It was creating my career. My father was narcissistic; other more distant family members were also pathological. My mother divorced my father. He was later murdered by a Psychopath. My mother remarried a charming man who turned out to be highly sociopathic.

I became involved in victims rights after my fathers murder. I went on to college and got a master degree in counseling and started my specialty focus in cluster B personality disorder. For the first 10+ years I worked in trying to treat cluster B disorders. Treatment outcomes are laborious and part of the disorder is that it does not sustain positive change. (outside of consistent therapy). I also began to run support groups for the partners of cluster B’s and the children of cluster B’s. It was then I became interested in helping not only family to understand what cluster B disorders are, but helping others to identify them to avoid the inevitable harm that happens from trying to create emotional intimacy with these types of disorders. Today, the institute is one of the leading experts regarding the relational harm produced in these relationships. Our work has been called ‘pioneering’ and we provide the widest range of services for the children of and partners of cluster B’s. We also provide professional training for mental health providers, the legal system, domestic violence agencies and other first line responders who are likely to encounter cluster B’s or their partners.

RT: Why do you think Public Pathology Education is so crucial?

SB: I created the term ‘Relationships of Inevitable Harm’ because there are no happily ever after in these relationships. People who have this level of pathology have not only unsuccessful relationships; they have destructive, dangerous and damaging relationships. Partners, who have far less pathology than the Cluster B, are always always always negatively impacted by exposure to that much pathology. In fact, over 50% of the partners (even without the experience of violence in the relationship) will come out of the relationship with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

Pathology is the single most negative impact on society. Who stalks? Who abducts children? Who perpetrates parental alienation? Who creates high conflict divorces? Who has repeating patterns of domestic violence? Who has pathological lying and conning? We are almost always talking about cluster B disorders when we are talking about the most egregious behaviors. But they are often also the most successful, charming and un-detectable. Dr. Robert Hare, the Worlds leading expert on the worst of the cluster B’s, the psychopath, calls them ‘Snakes in Suits’. The lack of public pathology education means people have no way of identifying them before getting into relationships. Successful female attorneys, doctors, nurses, teachers, social workers, pilots, and accountants… have all been reduced to impaired status and put on disability to recover from these relationships. If that was a medical disorder they had to recover from, there would be a foundation and there would be a billboard campaign across this country. But it destroys people and no one has championed the cause.

RT: By your own calculations, over 60 million people are affected to some degree or other by other people’s pathologies in the United States alone. Anything from being murdered to abused, to having your   kids harmed, your bank account drained, or your things stolen. You   also say that most of the pathological s are untreatable. It’s not  as if you can send them to therapy and they will be cured. What do you think should be done with pathological, and if they can’t help the way they are how can they be held accountable for their actions?

SB: Is Alcatraz still for sale? That was one idea. Since it is not a crime to be a pathological, it’s only the behaviors that are caught that might be a crime; the best way of helping to deal with the issue of pathology is in prevention. While schools are teaching about bullying in middle school, we could be teaching how to identify the worst forms of pathology. Who do with think Bullies are? Cluster B’s bully.  We are using the wrong language in what we are teaching about dating violence, stalking and bullying. We need to add the dimension of ‘Who Does That?’ if we only look at the behavior and we don’t look at the mental health of the person we will never connect the dots.

These people are not insane. They know right from wrong and pick wrong because it’s more powerful, effective and enjoyable. They are responsible for their actions. But I think understanding the permanence of the cluster B disorders helps the hopeful victim to understand ‘What you see is what you get’ and move on.  We have had more success in teaching victims the neuroscience of the cluster B brain than domestic violence shelters have in teaching the ancient power and control wheel.

RT: Briefly, how would you define a pathological?

SB: The cluster B personality disorders: histrionic personality disorders, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, anti social personality disorder and in addition sociopaths and psychopaths.

All of these have the basic inability to grow to any authentic emotional spiritual depth, and inability to sustain positive change, outside of ongoing therapy which no one is going to consent to, and the inability to develop insight into how their behavior affects others. With these inabilities is coupled a reduced empathy, and for some no conscience and remorse. Also, part of the hard-wiring is an impulse control problem which is why these are the people sent to Anger management, batterer intervention, etc.

RT: Most people would immediately think of sociopaths and psychopaths at  the mention of psychopathology. Sociopaths and psychopaths might be the most dangerous of all pathological s, since they totally lack a conscience or any social skills and are not likely to grow one any time soon. What are the other kinds of personality disorders that are pathological?

SB: They represent the far end of the spectrum with almost no conscience, empathy or remorse. But the other end of the spectrum, those with borderline, narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders, presents problems too. Their reduced empathy is enough to harm others. Their impulse control problems make them violently risky. Their hard-wiring of not learning from experiences means the behavior doesn’t change while the victim keeps hoping for change. To see the neuroscience behind these disorders is to understand these are serious disorders that even therapy or medication are not going to control completely .

RT: Can a person have several of these pathologies? For example, could they be both borderline and narcissistic? Does the exact diagnosis make a difference to the people whose lives they will touch?

SB: These are considered cluster disorders so most of them have more than one disorder, which is why the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition) clustered them together. You get overlap. That is why you always see reduced empathy for instance in narcissists but also in antisocial. They all have impulse control problems, etc. Because they share similarities in behaviors across the disorders, they will often meet criteria for more than one disorder within the cluster. But in addition to that, most of them will also have mood disorders and often addictions. So when you write a list of their probable DSM diagnosis, it is quite complex.

RT: What is it about pathalogicals that makes other people get romantically involved with them? If you meet them on paper, like in this interview, they sound like no one you would want to go near,   yet a lot of people find themselves deeply immersed in relationships with pathalogicals. How do you explain this?

SB: Pathology emerges in childhood. They often become aware of their differences. They don’t feel like other people so they don’t behave like other people. The desire not to be targeted for their differences encourages their adaptability as children. They are human psychologists and study others so to mimic and parrot. While they do not have adequate empathy, they have learned if someone cries, pat their hand or make their face look a certain way. They must over compensate for areas people would notice so they often become quite engaging, charming, or just outright liars, in order to appeal to others. They are often successful and bright. They have been compensating since childhood, so by the time they are 30 they have had a lot of years to improve their approach.

RT: Am I correct in saying that one of the most common personality disorders and maybe the hardest to recognize would be borderline?

SB: We know and identify more BPD than some of the other disorders. BPD is often more recognizable early on because of the anger, impulsiveness and overt out of control behavior. But that does not mean it is the most predominant. Because sociopaths and psychopaths hide well behind successful careers, they are often unidentified. 1 in 25 people have no conscience which has a lot of overlap with sociopaths and psychopaths. So I think we aren’t identifying those who hide well.

RT: What is borderline personality disorder and how does it affect relationships?

SB: Everything I mentioned above: impulsiveness, chronic anger, emptiness, neediness, low empathy. You can’t build a relationship on that.

RT: Say you meet a nice, charming guy (or girl). Is there any way you can tell right of the bat that this is a person you should stay away from?

SB: Women should do background checks. In my  book “How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved” is a red flags dating list of behaviors that could be a clue. Women should also date slowly and believe what others tell her. So many women were clued in by other women and thought it was jealousy when they were actually being warned. Women need to get more mature about accepting info, and stop carrying the mentality of a high school girl when others are trying to give life saving info.

RT: Not everyone who is a bit off beat, strange, or even violent or addicted is pathological. How do you tell the difference between   those who are pathological – and no amount of treatment will be able   to help them, and those who are not pathological, and with the right   counseling could be helped?

SB: You probably can’t. If someone is a ‘counseling project’ from the get-go, why in the world would you want to date them? Don’t start with someone who needs a mental health tune up. You are not in a relationship to fix someone. Women with lots of empathy need to find a place to exercise that, like at the homeless shelter or animal shelter, not in their personal relationships. They begin with the belief ‘everyone has something’ and take in people who are in need of help. She won’t be able to tell the difference between pathology and just help, and then she’s in the relationship and it turns out to be pathological. If someone needs mental health help, tell them to go and get it and come back when they can present their most healthy self for a relationship.

RT: We know that pathologicals come from all walks of life. They can be rich or poor common workers or white collar professionals. How about the women (and men) they get romantically involved with? Are there any common denominators among them or could this literally happen to anyone?

SB: We found a lot of common elements related to women who get in relationships with Cluster B men. Many of the elements did not fit the stereotypical ‘victim profile’ traits. The research was done testing temperament traits for unusual elevations, which is exactly what we found.  Off-the-richter-scale type elevations in some major areas that contribute to not only why they are attracted to, but tolerant of, the most dangerous persons. Some of the heightened traits included hyper empathy, tolerance, attachment, trust and loyalty. Half of the book Women Who Love Psychopaths covers the women’s traits and the amazing similarities among those who get involved with Cluster Bs.

RT: Romantic Relationships with pathological are particularly hard to leave. In a way, this defies logic because they are also absolutely terrible to be part of. Could you explain why it is so hard to leave such a relationship?

SB: Fear creates trauma bonding which increases the sensation of attachment. The longer the fear, the deeper the attachment.

RT: Obviously being in a relationship with a pathological has a lot of  fallout and long term effects on the other person. Could you share with us some of the things a victim of a pathological relationship would have to deal with?

SB: Depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, loss of a job, productivity, chronic time in court, inability to sleep and function.

RT: What are the obstacles a victim would face when trying to leave a relationship like this?

SB: The pathalogicals are the people with the worst control issues and impulse control problems, which are a deadly combination. Abuse, stalking, child abduction, 60 times in court, broken restraining orders,these are the things a victim could expect.  Victims need a safety plan made with a professional. This needs to be planned ahead of time.  You can find out more about this here.

RT: What help is available to them and how would   they go about getting it?

SB: The institute offers books, products, safety planning sessions, phone sessions retreats and referrals to therapists.

How falling in love with a narcissist has changed me forever.

Breaking up with a histrionic or narcissist? Be prepared for the battle of your life! While you are an emotional basket case, he is as Cold as Ice! While you are left holding down the fort and dealing with the real-life responsibilities, he walks away from everything leaving you to mop off his stage and pay his bills. He will punish you in ways you couldn’t possibly have ever imagined… …. and not even acknowledge it to himself! Why? Because he’s off charming the socks off of new women as if your years together didn’t even exist! And to him they didn’t! The narcissist has a ‘counterfeit heart’!

Narcissists tend to make very good first impressions on others. They are excellent actors and can fool almost anybody, even trained individuals. However, they have counterfeit hearts. Underneath their brilliant exterior lies a man that is self-centered and self-focused, dishonest, irresponsible, disloyal, and lacking emotions, remorse, and a conscience. These men live with a false sense of grandiosity and specialness and are easily found to be arrogant and deceitful. Underneath their fake exterior is an empty fraud who seemingly is lacking a human soul.

“Women know how to fake orgasm. Men know how to fake an entire relationship.” ~ Sharon Stone

Of course, you will never see this in the beginning of the relationship with a narcissistic man. Many women do not see any of these awful qualities until the relationship gets serious because both the narcissist and his prey tend to idolize people in the beginning of relationships.

And being idolized feels good – so good that we often willingly overlook the red flags.

Unfortunately, the narcissist is sociopathic in that they often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others (did you notice that [according to him] ALL his ‘exes’ were ‘psycho bitches’? THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAJOR RED FLAGS WAVING IN YOUR FACE FROM EVERYWHERE ON THAT ONE – BUT IT PROBABLY DIDN’T REALLY HIT YOU UNTIL ‘YOUR’ RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WAS OVER!!). (More on this later…)

See, narcissistic men haven’t the ability to see their own negative actions or the detrimental roles they play in their relationships with others. The narcissist is a deceptive man and the most common form of his deception is his own self-deception. He truly believes he is perfectly innocent of having committed any wrongdoing – ever.

He holds himself completely blameless for any part in the breakdown of your relationship (or ANY of his past relationships). Don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology from this man, or even an admittance on his part of being partially to blame – for anything. He believes he has done nothing wrong, as he is just so wonderful! (At least, in his own mind.)

The narcissist doesn’t care about your problems or your feelings. He has absolutely no regard or respect for anyone’s feelings; he is completely without empathy and is never above taking advantage of others for his own personal gain. He is constantly hungry for praise and he will go on a feeding frenzy for the adoration and admiration he desperately seeks with every individual he comes in contact with. He is a legend in his own mind, and deeply living in a fantasy world built on his own imagined self-importance.

“The narcissist can neither give nor receive love. He cannot empathize with the pain and suffering of others. Although he is often incredibly charming and draws many people into his ‘enchanted circle’, the narcissist is incapable of true intimacy. At the core of his life experience, the narcissist has emotionally and often financially harmed so many. He has treated others with cruelty, ruthlessness and indifference too many times. Ultimately, in the depth of his unconscious, he knows he is an empty fraud” ~Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.

Nothing can be more painful than breaking up with a histrionic narcissistic man. He will not take it kindly – not because he will grieve the loss of you (you mean nothingto this man) but simply because you will have embarrassed him. And damaging his ego is a totally unforgivable sin to the narcissist! I’m afraid you’re about to become his next victim, so be aware of his soon-to-come character assassin of you, your family, your friends, and even your children. (Narcissistic men [they all hold an actor’s award] will say just about anything about another in order to protect their perfect ‘image’.)

Whether or not this has happened to you, it is still a very painful realization when you come to discover that you meant absolutely nothing to someone you loved very much. The realization that this man never loved you(don’t delude yourself) hurts beyond compare. It is hard to understand that a histrionic narcissist loves only himself, and, if anything, considered you more a ‘love-rival’ than a ‘lover’.

He was with you for the ‘benefits’. His benefits could have been something as simple as getting his needy ego stroked, or being taken care of financially, or maybe it was something more, like status or opportunity – but whatever his benefits, being loved by you or being in an intimate relationship with you was not one of them. What I mean to say is ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ are not considered benefits to him!

You will find that you have changed during the course of the relationship with a narcissist. You will walk away completely far removed from the beautiful woman you were when you entered it. You may have gone from soft, sweet and feminine to hardened and bitter. From trusting, open and receptive to suspicious and untrusting. From self-assured and confident to being full of self-doubt and insecurities. It will take some hard work on your part to let this damaged part of you go and find your old self again.


For most of us breaking up with a narcissist can leave us feeling confused, devastated, and untrusting of all men in the future.

Usually, when a relationship ends both parties grieve some, both parties have regrets and both parties have done things that they feel remorseful for.

But not a narcissist! He walks away from you with a cold, callous disregard. He feels nothing.

A narcissist will avoid looking at you – even if you are sitting right in front of him. This is his way of ‘dismissing’ and ‘devaluing’ you. All narcissists do this and, of course, there is nothing about these actions that are normal, but your mind can’t conceive this and so it tries to understand. However, there is no making sense of the ‘senseless’.

A narcissist can turn from loving you to discarding you almost abruptly as it took for him to ‘idolize’ you after his first meeting you. Uh, what was that? About one date would you say?

“Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The narcissist idealizes and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealization. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue. This is THE core of pathological narcissism. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the “silent treatment”), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse. ” ~ by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

The narcissist has to be NUMBER ONE, the CENTER OF ATTENTION, THE BIG CHEESE, the MAIN ATTRACTION. If he is in a situation where he fears not getting the adulation that he feels he deserves, such as with your friends or co-workers, or even in a club that you frequent (translation: your territory), he will be extremely uncomfortable, either claiming a headache, feeling ‘bad vibes’ in the place, or simply getting angry. He may insult or dismiss everyone there as ‘substandard human beings’. A narcissist cannot share his limelight with anyone, not even his spouse.

It is especially hard to let go of a relationship breakdown when you can’t find any rhyme or reason to the way it all unfolded. We think that all people are good people and can’t understand how someone could so easily just dismiss us as if we never existed.

Truth is, you didn’t exist to the narcissist. He is so totally and completely self-centered to the point of his being the only person in his life – ever. You simply were a temporary ego-boost. A narcissist supplier (an enforcer and validation of his self-love). His mirror.

You were taken in by his phony charm simply because you trusted men. And now you are left with doubts, insecurities, questions, and extreme hurt that one you cared for could so easily ‘dismiss you’ and then walk away completely unmoved and untouched by the experience.

You want him to hurt, too. To show sorrow. To feel remorse.

So that you can feel important again. Like you mattered.

But you didn’t. And it has nothing to do with you. He simply is unable to care for anyone other than himself, no matter whom they are. And deep inside you know that you have just wasted years of your life on someone who is an empty fraud. It’s like you imagined everything; nothing was real. He was a masterful actor when he was getting his ego fed; but now that he is not getting his narcissistic supply from you anymore he simply – and completely – has totally erased you from his life. It is important to remember that narcissists are ‘plotters’ and he has been plotting the destruction of the relationship since the very first moment his charming, but fake persona met you.

Expect your world to fall apart whereas his world will remain unscathed – as will his emotions. OOPS, pardon me, I made a mistake! Make that “his ‘lack of’ emotions”. Narcissistic men haven’t any empathy for others, and will never take any direct responsibility for any pain they may have caused. They will never acknowledge their wrongdoings, or apologize to you, because they truly believe themselves to be perfect. They project all their faults and flaws onto you, accusing you of the very things that they, themselves, are guilty of.

In fact, throughout your entire relationship, you probably were lead to believe that you were the problem when in actuality it was their narcissism that was at fault. You have subconsciously learned to take his attacks personally, because he is so very good at manipulating the people around him.

Narcissistic and histrionic men play on the fact that most of us are trustingand forgiving, and that we want to believe in them.

Narcissists are all about their image, and they spend an inordinate amount of time perfecting their false front, or their ‘image’. He’s forever aware of his impression on people, and he knows exactly what ‘face’ to put on to draw people into his ‘magical circle’ of followers – all with the intent to enhance his own self-exaltation.

Whatever his career, special talent, or gift may be he will spend days, weeks, months, YEARS perfecting it. If he is a lawyer there is no winning a legal argument against him. If he is a musician he will practice the same tune over and over again, each time trying to make it even more perfect than the time before. If he is a doctor he will try to out-diagnose all his colleagues. If he is a salesman, he will read every book on the market on the art of sales. Perfecting his persona for the sole purpose of gaining admiration is the only thing he holds important, and the only reward he needs.

He is an expert at even fooling himself into thinking he is larger than life and, unfortunately, the more positive the feedback he receives, the more trapped in his mirror he becomes. He would rather have adoration from complete strangers than a deep meaningful relationship with a loving partner. His image is superficial and covers up his complete lack of inner awareness. He is, quite simply, an expert fake, forever on the search for a true acceptance, but never daring enough to show his ‘real self’ for fear of not receiving it.

The sad thing is, because he feels he is loved for his fake front, he never truly feels loved for his real self, and this just further enables and encourages his narcissism.

The narcissistic mate displays many typical psychopathic characteristics. He may have falsely displayed deep emotion toward you (when he was in your good graces). In reality, he was less concerned with you than with making himself look good. In the romance department, a narcissist or a histrionic man has an uncanny ability to gain your trust and affection quickly, disarming you with his charm (i.e., “What a beautiful necklace; you have such excellent taste in jewelry“) and captivating you with his many grandiose plans (i.e., “I want to start a business with you that is something we can build together“). If he cheats on you you’ll probably find forgiveness for him – maybe even blame yourself for his infidelities – but one day when you’ve had enough, he’ll leave you with nothing but the breath-taking epiphany that your whole life with him has been a lie. He’ll also, most likely, leave you with an empty pocketbook, too. Of course, by this time he’ll already have a new ‘sucker’ under his wing, and could care less what he has done to you.

Yes, living with, loving and leaving a narcissistic man is an experience unlike any other! You are left deeply confused and weakened by the abuse.

***“My narcissist was mad at me every single day. In fact, I can’t remember even one day that he wasn’t angry, grudgeful, judgmental, and insulting.”

He wants you to pay for his inner pain, and he will do everything in his power to punish you and push you over the brink. Your mind can’t rationalize that these men are not ‘normal’, and so it tries to make sense of their behavior.

Yet, the narcissistic ex continually acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his ‘false persona’ will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him. He is completely lacking in empathy, and – since he is not receiving any admiration from you anymore – he will dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he use to put up in order to keep you in the relationship.

In the end I was left feeling like a shell of a person. To think this was someone whom I lived with for 2 years and loved deeply. I will forever be changed by this experience. If he could get over on me with my New York City street sense and smarts then he could get over on anyone.  He met me when I was on top of the world. By the time he was done I had lost almost everything and everyone I loved. that was when he looked me in the face and said I do not love you anymore…. And days later was on to stalking the next girl.  This is the true facts of what I lived through and I felt compelled to share this experience to warn others. The best thing that ever happened to me was the day that sociopath left.

The day I started working on me! And forgetting about him and the mess he left for me to clean up. I decided it was time to invest in me.  I developed my own fix my self course.

I took some online courses on Meditation and Self Love which were great and cheap.

I just started doing little things everyday that made me feel good even if it was has simple has a face mask. If it made me feel good I did it and slowly it started working.

Self  love and heal yourself  back to you!

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